17 Basic Coffee Date Tips (From a Dating Coach)

My first date ever was with a cute girl I approached near a bus stop. Somehow, I got her number, and we met about a week later for a coffee. 

We talked, but there was no chemistry, and a week later, she blocked me. 

Oof. 

Fast forward to today, I’ve been on hundreds of dates, I’m a full-time dating coach..and I screw up fewer dates! 

Here is my "Coffee Dates 101" - the guide I wish I had when I started dating.

Enjoy, 

Coach Colt

1. Coffee Meaning, Pros, And Cons

Contrary to popular belief, a coffee date isn't a sign of disinterest or laziness. [1]

They're not a red flag, either. [2]

But you know that doesn’t mean cafes are the perfect place for your date. 

Let’s review the pros and cons before sharing my final take on coffee dates.

Cons of a coffee date

1. Compared to bar hopping or boating, coffee dates can be pretty boring, especially for people with ADHD like myself.
2. They’re cliche. (But it’s a common meeting spot for good reasons: simplicity and reliability.)
3. They’re less intimate than bar dates and will drop you in the friend zone if you’re not careful. 
4. Coffee makes you poop. (At least it makes me poop.)
5. You lose the obvious advantages of alcohol.

Pros of a coffee date

1. Easy to organize.
2. Low cost.
3. Quiet cafés are perfect for talking to each other.
4. Can include light snacks or smoothies if you’re hungry
5. ‘Easy-Exit’ if you’re not feeling comfortable
6. You’re avoiding alcohol altogether, so you get to know your date while sober and can meet on a lunch break mid-work. 
7. Lots of cold and hot drinks to choose from. Hot drinks (coffee, tea) are for winter, and cold ones (iced tea, smoothies) are for summer.
8. Cafes are super accessible and have good open hours. 
9. Great for any age group going on a date.

Coffee date summary and meaning

The cafe’s a solid first-date venue. Sure, they’re not exciting or particularly romantic. But they’re simple, cheap, chill, and perfect for all year round. 

2. When To Go Out For A Coffee Date

The best time for scheduling a coffee date is between noon and 6 PM, with around 5 PM being ideal. In general, avoid morning dates.

Pro-Ultra-Max Tip:

Don’t set your date at 6 AM... [3]

If the timing ends up being late in the evening or too early, remember that just because you’re going to a cafe doesn’t mean you gotta order coffee. Decaf is an option, or look for other drinks.

Friendly advice: 

For a deeper dive into the world of first dates, don't miss out on my recent post, "My Favorite 27 First Date Tips (As a Dating Coach)," - one of my favorite dating guides ever, published just last week! 

Or click on my beautiful thumbnail below.

3. Coffee Date Ideas

Here’s what you need to know about choosing a good cafe for your date:

1. Avoid Crowded, Work-Focused Cafes

Avoid overly crowded, work-centric cafes like Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, or Tim Hortons. 

If it looks like an office that happens to serve coffee, it’s a no-go.

2. Avoid Cafes with Uncomfortable, Limited Seating

If the seats are uncomfortable to look at or the cafe is always packed, don’t go. 

3. Avoid Cafes Nasty or Unconditioned Cafes

You won’t know if the cafe is clean or air-conditioned/ heated unless you look for the reviews on Google Maps or, what I recommend, visit the cafe yourself. 

5. Avoid Cafes with No Outside Seating

I prefer cafes with outdoor seating, especially during good weather. Although I don’t get much of that living in Belgium…

6. Avoid Fancy Cafes

Getting a 3-course, king-size, gourmet, coffee breakfast combo (see below) defeats the purpose of the simple coffee date.

7. Visit More Interesting Cafes

Cafes do not have to be boring. 

• Here’s a cool one from Amsterdam:

• You can visit an antique-style cafe:

• Other cafes let you play board games:

• Or you can find a bookstore cafe and read comics together:

• Or flip through funny books together:

• If you’re students, you could always have a coffee-study-date for your college exams:

Bottom line:

Let’s not pick a random cafe. Researching and visiting the café beforehand can turn the ‘cliche coffee date’ into a well-planned, fun experience.

For an even more amazing guide, refer to my list in "My Top 57 First Date Ideas That Always Work (As a Dating Coach)," or click the thumbnail below.

4. Coffee Date Outfits

Essentials first: 

1. Shit, shower, shave.
2. Clean hands, clipped nails, and moisturized skin.
3. Clean ears, you don’t want earwax melting out of your ears
4. Deodorant. Anything that blocks the sweat. 
5. Wear just enough cologne to where they'll smell it if they’re giving you a hug or sitting close to you. I use The Most Wanted by Azzaro, and I’ve gotten lots of compliments from it (pictured below)
6. Apply lip balm. (Gotta keep your lips soft and inviting.)
7. Clean shoes, especially if they're white. Avoid dirty laces at all costs.

Now, onto the question: "But how do I dress?"

Let's analyze the outfit in the picture below - I’ll break down the man’s outfit piece by piece, providing additional outfit ideas suitable for each season. Ladies, don't worry. I’ve got you covered, too, with insights from some of my lovely female friends.

Coffee Date Outfits for Men

The man in our coffee date example is wearing:

• A dark olive green bomber jacket
• A light gray crew-neck t-shirt underneath the jacket.
• Slim-fitting black jeans.
• Black leather ankle boots with a slight heel

More outfits for guys:

Summer:

• A fitted white crew-neck t-shirt
• Khaki-colored chino shorts that stop above the knee.
• A brown leather belt with a detailed buckle.
• Casual low-top sneakers in a light beige or off-white color.
• A pair of dark sunglasses.
• Leather bracelet on your left wrist.

Spring/ Fall:

• A light blue button-up shirt that is unbuttoned and casually layered over a white crew-neck t-shirt.
• Fitted dark blue jeans with visible stitching and a slight fade on the thighs.
• Simple white sneakers 

Spring/ Fall:

• A heather gray long-sleeve t-shirt with a scoop neck.
• Ripped and distressed jeans with a faded wash and a slim fit.
• Classic white lace-up sneakers.
• A pair of aviator sunglasses.
• A casual watch with a dark strap.

Winter:

• An olive green parka with a fur-lined hood.
• A light gray crew neck sweater with a knitted texture.
• Slim-fitting blue jeans with a lighter wash along the thighs and knees.
• Tan leather ankle boots.

See more tips on looking masculine here. 

Coffee Date Outfits for Women

The woman in our coffee date example is wearing:

• A long-sleeve blouse with horizontal stripes in shades of blue, white, and tan
• Fitted blue denim jeans with a cuffed hem.
• Loafers with a pointed toe and a tan sole.

Summer:

1. A white, short-sleeve button-up shirt tied at the waist.
2. Light wash, high-waisted denim shorts with distressed details and frayed hems.
3. White lace-up sneakers.

Spring/ Fall:

1. A denim jacket with a classic collar, front pockets, and button fastening.
2. A floral print dress in a soft pink color with a flared skirt and short sleeves.
3. White lace-up sneakers that complement the casual yet put-together look.
4. A necklace and a bracelet as accessories
5. Paint nails in a light or neutral color.

Spring/ Fall:

1. A long black, wool blend coat
2. A light gray turtleneck sweater, which provides a cozy layering effect.
3. Distressed skinny jeans in a light to medium wash with rips at the knees.
4. White sneakers with pinkish or light-colored laces

Winter:

1. An olive green parka jacket with a fur-lined hood.
2. A maroon and white patterned scarf wrapped around her neck
3. Dark blue skinny jeans that provide a snug fit.
4. Beige ankle boots with a slight heel.

Bottom line: 

Keep it casual; no fancy leather boots or dress shirts are necessary. You’re not going to some upscale bar. This is a coffee date, after all. 

For more ideas, go to Pinterest and visit the r/MaleFashionAdvice or r/FemaleFashionAdvice communities. 

And don’t worry; I’ll break down even more examples of what you can wear as we go through this guide!

5. How To Ask Someone Out On A Coffee Date

Here are my three steps to approach someone for a coffee date:

1. Approach them and compliment their appearance. Talk for a few minutes and then express your interest by saying that you think they're cute and ask, “Would you like to grab a coffee later this week?”
2. If they agree, exchange numbers and chat for a few days before inviting them out for coffee. Suggest a specific date and time, like "I'll be free on Wednesday and Thursday afternoon around 5 pm. Would you be open for a coffee then?" If they are not available, try to reschedule for another time. 
3. If they are free, suggest meeting them at a nearby landmark or statue (examples below) and then walking to a cool café you discovered earlier. 

Or, if you'd like to tease your date, tell them that you'll be waiting by a statue like this one:

And that’s it. You’ve set a coffee date. Bravo! 

6. How To Deal With Anxiety Before A Coffee Date

As a dating coach, many of my coaching calls start like this:

Okay, so we've settled on a coffee date, but now I'm wondering, should I bring a small gift? Like flowers or chocolates? Or is that too much for a first date and might seem overbearing? Also, should I dress casually or a bit more formal? I want to make a good impression, but I also don't want to look like I'm trying too hard. And speaking of impressions, what topics should I talk about? Should I avoid certain subjects on a first date? I've heard it's best to stay away from politics and religion, but then what's left? What if there's an awkward silence? How do I handle that? Also, about paying - I plan to pay for the coffee, but what if she insists on paying for hers? Should I let her or insist on paying myself? And when the date is over, should I suggest another date right then or wait and text her later? How soon is too soon to text after the first date? I don't want to seem too eager, but I also don't want her to think I'm not interested. And, just thinking ahead, if things go well and we end up going on more dates, when is it appropriate to call it 'dating'? How many dates does it take before you can consider yourself a couple? I don't want to assume anything and make things awkward. One last thing: if the date doesn't go well by any chance, how do I politely end it without hurting her feelings? Is there a tactful way to let someone know you're not interested in pursuing things further?

So you’re not alone. It's normal to feel anxious about a coffee date, especially if you’re dealing with autism or other personality disorders. With time, you'll gain more control over these feelings. In the meantime, here are some of my practical tips to help you:

1. Scout out the cafe

Need help figuring out how to order or where to sit? 

That’s totally fine. 

Take your laptop to the cafe for an afternoon (see below) and take the time to locate the bathrooms, the best seating spots, and tables to find out when it's least crowded and which barista is the friendliest.

Or go on a motorcycle ride and test out different cafes:

Pro tip:

If you've got an extra helmet, give your date a motorcycle ride if they're not too scared! 

2. Bring your dog together with you on the date

If you own a dog or can borrow one from a friend, bring it along for the date. It’ll ease the pressure and serve as a fun distraction.

If your date asks about the dog, respond with a big smile and say:

1. You feel nervous about the date, and the dog helps you relax. (The Honest Route.)
2. They (your date) seemed dangerous, so you brought your Pug to save you. (Just so you know, say this teasingly and only do this with harmless dogs like Labradors, Golden Retrievers, or Corgies. Other, more protective dogs might make your date think you aren’t kidding or make them feel uncomfortable around more aggressive, big dogs.)
3. Tell them that you couldn’t leave your dog at home for whatever reason, so you didn’t have a choice
4. Tell them that you didn’t want to meet up with them for a date, but your dog thought it was a good idea and wanted to meet them themselves. 

Our example in the photo above provides some solid pointers:

1. Asking for disposable paper cups for your coffee lets you leave the cafe earlier and enjoy a romantic walk while sipping your hot coffee. 
2. The man in our example is dressed well for the date: A dark blue denim jacket with a button-up front, a light gray crew-neck t-shirt underneath the jacket, dark blue jeans, creating a monochromatic denim look, white sneakers with a classic design, and sunglasses hooked into the front of his jacket.
3. The woman is also dressed well: A green utility jacket with a cinched waist, a gray top underneath the jacket, blue skinny jeans, black ankle boots with a noticeable heel, and her hair tied back.

3. Avoid Cafe’s in Anti-LGBT Neighborhoods 

For those who are gay, bisexual, like me, or exploring same-sex dating, pick a cafe in an LGBT-friendly neighborhood, especially if this is your first gay date. Also, if you or your date are not openly out, choose a cafe away from your respective communities to maintain privacy.

4. Avoid Caffeine 

Yes, it might sound counterintuitive on a coffee date, but hear me out: caffeine is a stimulant. While it can make you more energetic and chatty, it can also heighten anxiety. 

Try some other drinks and see how they compare to coffee:

• Coffee: 95 mg per 8 oz cup
• Tea (Black): 40-70 mg per 8 oz cup
• Tea (Green): 20-45 mg per 8 oz cup
• Soft Drinks: 20-40 mg per 12 oz can
• Energy Drinks: 50-300 mg per can

5. Learn Everything About Dating

Feeling nervous about a coffee date is normal; you're inexperienced in dating. 

Our solution is simple: Gain more experience and knowledge.

Read articles about dating, including this one, and then reread it (and feel free to leave a friendly comment!). Find ways to look more attractive, and consider hiring a dating coach (ahem) to push you past your fears. 

7. How To Meet For A Coffee Date

When it comes to meeting for a coffee date, let's clarify some common misconceptions and cover the basics:

1. Some blogs [4, 5] advise showing up 10-15 minutes early to the date, but I don't see the point. Why wait and let your brain worry about the date? I tell my coaching clients to show up on time.  
2. I've seen some people suggest turning off your phone once you meet up, but that seems extreme unless you have a serious phone addiction. As you'll soon learn, you can use your phone to keep the conversation going. 
3. To remind you, it's better to meet outside the cafe, but if your date is running late (within reasonable limits), there's no need to wait outside by yourself. You can go in, order for yourself, and wait for your date to arrive (see example below).

OK, it’s 5 pm; you’re waiting for your date to arrive by the designated meeting spot, and… wait, you see them coming!

What do I do? How do I greet them? What are the first words I say? 

1. Start with a friendly ‘Hi’ wave and a big, welcoming smile as you see each other.
2. When they're close enough, greet them with a big hug or a kiss on the cheeks (depending on the culture) and cheerfully say, "Heyyyyy, so nice to see you." (No formal handshaking, no “so nice to meet you,” no fist bump.)

Fun, friendly, and an easy way to break the touch barrier from the start.

Now, as you start walking together towards the coffee shop(ideally be no more than a 5-minute walk away), talk about simple, everyday topics like how their day went or if anything interesting happened. 

I know it’s boring small talk, but you're easing into the date and building rapport. 

8. Order Your Coffee Together

You've arrived at the coffee shop with your date!

But what do I do next? Do I order just coffee or include food? Who pays? 

Don't worry, it’s simple. 

You don't need to memorize a barista's guide to coffee. 

Let’s break it down into simple steps.

1. Decide on Your Coffee Choice

Knowing what you want before the barista asks is a good idea.

I know there are too many options, so here is a helpful guide with pictures to help you understand the different types of coffee you can order at a cafe. 

• Espresso: A concentrated form of coffee served in small, strong shots, often used as the base for other coffee drinks. Price range: $2-3.

• Americano: Essentially an espresso diluted with hot water. It has a similar strength to traditionally brewed coffee but a distinct flavor. Price range: $2-4.

• Latte: Made with espresso and steamed milk. 'Latte' in English is derived from the Italian 'caffè latte' or 'caffellatte', meaning 'milk coffee.' Price range: $3-5.

• Cappuccino: Composed of a single espresso shot, hot milk, and topped with foamed milk. Often prepared with an espresso machine. Price range: $3-5.

• Cold Brew: Coffee grounds steeped in cool water for an extended period, creating a less acidic and bitter drink. It's served cold and is refreshing. Price range: $3-5.

2. Ask your date what they’d like to drink

If they’re hungry, they’ll tell you, but the default is that you’re just getting coffee. 

3. Order and Pay 

Order the coffee and either ask your date to reserve a good table while you wait by the counter or sit together and wait for the coffee to be served. 

Regarding who pays for dates, that depends on the culture, but as a cheap coffee date that won’t cost more than $10, pay yourself - don't be that cheap!

(Read What Not To (Ever) Do On A First Date: 27 Examples to avoid making other embarrassing mistakes on a date!)

9. Coffee Date Questions 

On the other hand, this picture is a perfect example of how to lightly, romantically touch on a coffee date:

1. Having a confident, smirky smile 
2. Starting with lightly touching each other's legs
3. Looking into each other's eyes

From there, you could escalate by touching their arm, looking at their tattoos or bracelets, and then doing the same for their necklace and even earrings.

For more ‘touchy’ tips, read: How to Touch a Girl: 47 Smooth Techniques [Pictures Included]

12. How Do You Know If The Coffee Date Is Going Well

I’ve written articles on how to tell if a guy or girl likes you, but without getting carried away, here are some signs your date is going well:

1. Lots of smiling and laughing
2. Open body language
3. The conversation is easy flowing
4. They are ‘innocently’ touching you
5. They are asking you lots of interesting questions 

13. How To Kiss On A Coffee Date

If this is your first coffee date, and that’s all, I wouldn’t bother going for the kiss. Leave it for the second date. Plus, kissing in a cafe is awkward unless you’ve found a quiet corner. 

However, if you both are hitting it off and have time to burn, move to a second date venue, preferably a bar, and go for the kiss there.  

14. How Long Should A Coffee Date Last For?

Coffee dates should last for about an hour, 2 hours max. 

15. What To Do After The Coffee Date? 

Even if things are going great and you’re having the urge to keep the date going, I recommend my students to end the coffee date and wait for the second date. 

But if you really want to spend an extra few minutes, walk around a nearby park and then call it a day. 

Walk them back to their car, bus stop, or Uber, and wish them a lovely evening. 

(The exception to this rule is if you’ll be going back to theirs or they’re coming back to yours on the same day of the date. And in case, move to a bar, have a couple of drinks, and then go to their place or bring them back to yours. I talk about this more in my Ultimate Dating Tips Guide.)

16. Q&A

Q: Is it OK to have a coffee date in the evening?

A: While less common, an evening coffee date is not unusual. It can be a unique and enjoyable experience, especially if you both prefer a quieter setting. Just ensure the café you choose is open late.

Q: What is the best time for a coffee date on a Sunday?

A: Late morning or early afternoon is typically ideal for a Sunday coffee date. These times usually offer a relaxed atmosphere and are less likely to be crowded.

Q: Is it better to dress casually or more formally for a Coffee date?

A: Aim for smart-casual. It shows effort without appearing overly formal. Dress comfortably but neatly.

Q: Should I bring a small gift like flowers or chocolates on a first date?

A: A small gift is unnecessary and can be seen as needy.

Q: On a coffee date, as the guy, is it better for me to arrive first, or should I show up a bit late?

A: Aim to arrive on time. 

Q: If the café is too crowded on a coffee date, what should we do?

A: Have an alternative plan. Suggest a walk with your coffees in the park or move to another café nearby you know.

Q: On a coffee date, should I wait outside for my date and order my coffee before they arrive, or should I find a table inside and wait to order together?

A: If they are extremely late, you can find a table inside and order your coffee.

Q: For a first meeting on a coffee date, what is an appropriate greeting? a handshake, a hug, or something else?

A: Greet your date with a big hug and kiss on the cheek (depending on your culture).

Q: Is it recommended to sit and chat for a while before getting coffee, or should we order immediately upon arrival?

A: No need to wait. Order your coffee together when you arrive. 

Q: I don’t drink coffee; is it okay to order something else like hot chocolate on a coffee date?

A: Absolutely! Feel free to order what you prefer. Hot chocolate is fine. You could start a conversation about that if you like. 

Q: If my date insists on paying for their coffee, should I let them?

A: Offer to pay, but if they insist, gracefully accept and suggest you can cover the next one. 

Q: What topics are good to talk about on a first date?

A: Stick to light and positive topics like hobbies, travel, movies, or music. Avoid heavy subjects like politics or past relationships.

Q: How should I handle awkward silence?

A: Embrace it as a natural part of conversation. You can use it as a moment to sip your drink or think of a new topic.

Q: Should I suggest another date right after the first one ends or wait and text later?

A: If the date went well, it's okay to mention that you'd like to meet again but follow up with a text later to plan specifics.

Q: How soon should I text after the first date?

A: Text them soon after the date, wishing them a lovely evening. 

Q: If the date doesn’t go well, how can I end it politely?

A: Be honest but gentle. Thank them for the time, and say you didn’t feel a romantic connection. It’s respectful and straightforward without pinning the blame on them.

Q: When is it appropriate to consider we are 'dating'?

A: This varies, but generally, after several dates when you both feel a mutual connection and have discussed being exclusive.

17. Hire a Dating Coach

Lastly, 

If you feel stuck reading useless internet dating advice that is barely better than the advice in a Seinfeld episode (see below) and feel like you need some outside help, I want to be your dating coach.

If you'd like my help, please send me an email, and we can get started. 

Happy dating,

Coach Colt

P.S.

Comment below if you got any questions or have anything to add!