How to Get a Gay Boyfriend: 25 Tips That Work

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I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years, and while I may not have decades of long-term dating experience with guys, I've learned a thing or two from my dating journey—both with men and women.

I've also done a truckload of research before writing this article:

  1. Dissecting forums
  2. Searching other blogs
  3. Reading books (too many) 
  4. Watching YouTube videos
  5. Asking my gay friends how they met their partners 

This comprehensive guide is everything I know about getting a gay boyfriend. 

Men and relationships ebay funny screenshot

Of course, you could always get a used boyfriend off eBay - this is a real ad, by the way, haha. 

While many ideas won't work for your situation(-ship), one or two will be helpful or even game-changers. 

Let's dive in.

How To Get a Gay Boyfriend thumbnail

The 100 for 1 (Boyfriend) Principle

The 100 for 1 is a principle I use to describe a pattern you'll see in every single one of your meaningful relationships. 

What is it?

You have to meet 100 friend candidates before you can meet your best friend. 

You have to meet 100 potential business partners before you find the one who works best with you.


You need to meet or date 100 people before meeting your lifelong partner. 

Here's my boring dictionary definition:

The 100 for 1 Principle is the concept that for every meaningful or successful outcome in relationships, business, or personal pursuits, one should expect to engage with approximately 100 opportunities, candidates, or iterations. This principle underscores the importance of volume, trial, and error in the quest for quality and meaningful connections or achievements.

In other words, it's a numbers game

I can't sit here and complain that I don't have a boyfriend after meeting a couple of guys…or gays.

Imagine playing a game where you roll a six-sided dice and must roll a '6' to win. You wouldn't roll the dice five times, fail to get a '6,' and then conclude, "This game is rigged! I'll never win!" 


Like in the dice game, the chance of hitting that '6'—or, in our case, meeting that special someone—increases with each new roll or person you meet. 

Each roll gets you closer to the win, even if it doesn't feel like it now.

This analogy shows how ridiculous it would be to expect to find your perfect partner within just a few attempts. 

The "100 for 1 Principle" reminds us to keep rolling those dice, knowing the odds improve with each toss.

Embrace the 'Yes Man Mentality' - saying yes to potentially meeting men anywhere. (Like the 'Yes Theory' YouTube Channel.)

OK, maybe not 'everywhere.' 

But here are some places to start stalking looking:

  1. All the online dating apps 
  2. Clubs and Gay bars: you can make it work even if you have to drive to find your man
  3. Tell your friends that you want their help finding a guy and be open to meeting guys through friends: You could meet through friends of a friend whose cousin's dog owner knows a guy you might like. Also, straight girls love playing the matchmaker roles for their gay male friends. 
  4. Make your own events: invite folks for a party, park picnic, game night, house party, or something. 
  5. Say yes to the guy who asks if you wanna hang out. There's a good chance he's trying to check you out, even if it's not apparent. 
  6. Lots of gay friendships evolve into relationships (the same happens on the straight side of the world)
  7. If you see a guy in public (gym, coffee shop, mall, etc.) and you think he's gay, go approach him. 
  8. Any kind of public event: Startup conferences, food truck festivals, Comic-Con or a Charity Poker Tournament

If you still need more of a list, here's a list of places for women to meet straight men: Rich, Single & Hot! 73 Best Places To Meet Men [Tips Included]

It should be just as helpful for you. 

It's no wonder many of you have had difficulty making friends at school; you're limiting yourself to the 100 or so guys in your grade. There's simply not enough volume to find a friend you vibe with.

In summary, just like in business, where you try 100 product interactions (100 for 1 Principle) and diversify your revenue streams (dating apps, friends, social events), apply the same strategy to your dating life. 

Use Dating Apps, Especially Grindr

I’m sure you’ve been reading about how Grindr is not where to find your partner. 

I’ve seen the same articles. 

Who's spreading this nonsense?

Trust me, the reality is way different. 

Browse through Reddit threads or YouTube testimonials, and you'll find countless couples who met on Grindr or similar apps.

I agree with you: dating apps are soul-sucking monsters. 

But let's get real: what's your Plan B? Hitting up gay bars? 

Spoiler alert: those bars are basically Grindr but with expensive drinks and dim lighting.

Illustration of a gay bar that embodies the Grindr app

This is a pretty creepy AI illustration of a Grindr-Bar. Although, now that I think of it - maybe building a 'Grindr Bar' is not a bad idea. Somebody stop me!

So, let’s not fight the system. 

Instead, let’s learn the rules of the game and make dating apps for us - not the other way around:

  1. OkCupid is a better place to start if you really don't like using hookup apps like Grindr, Tinder, or Scruff. (In my experience, all these apps are the same - but that could change from city to city.)
  2. Set the basic filters: "no face = block" and the like. With the right filters, dating apps aren't thaaaat cancerous.
  3. Take good pictures. If you don't have a friend to get some nice shots, consider hiring a photographer. There's nothing to be ashamed of. (Truthfully, I didn't put any effort into my photos, but my boyfriend loved my smile (I have awesome dimples), and I thought it was cool that he was a dancer - plus he has a smoking hot body, so it all worked out.)
  4. Make friends through Grindr as well: You could become friends through Grindr first and then become something more over time. 

Here's an example from my Grindr profile:


Example of my Grindr profile showing how to find a boyfriend via online dating

And filters do work, as you can see from my Grindr profile, but they aren't perfect:

Another example of my Grindr profile showing how to find a boyfriend via online dating

We know the truth:

Grindr is just a tool; like any tool, it's as useful as you make it. 

You get what you put into it.

Example of an attractive boyfriend

Some eye-candy so you keep reading 😉

Avoid Religious Places - Spiritual Places are OK

Somehow, I also see articles claiming that you can try to meet your gay man at a church. 

Uhhh. It's tiring. 

Don't fall for it. 

The stats are dismal—a microscopic portion of gay couples meet at religious establishments. 

How Gay Couples Meet datingarmory_com

And I hope to God (lol) you don't end up at a religious university. It will be tough to make like-minded friends, never mind finding your partner. 

Conversely, spiritual or humanitarian places like meditation centers or community gardens are entirely different playgrounds. 


These aren't hunting grounds for a boyfriend but zones for personal growth and connection.

Go there because you want to practice yoga. 

No one likes the creepy straight guy who only goes to yoga class to meet women.

Don’t Limit Yourself to Gay Meetups or Activities

While it seems like a good idea to go to gay-themed events (not the ‘events’ you’re thinking of), the main issue is that you want to bond over a mutual interest besides… cock

Funny gay mug and candy in a shop

Instead, join group activities based purely on genuine interest. 

That’s where a genuine bond can form between a variety of people. 

And I guarantee there will be gay men there. 

Mutual Interests > Mutual Gender Attraction

Here are some ideas:

  1. Outdoor Adventure Clubs: Hiking, kayaking, or rock climbing
  2. Art and Music Festivals
  3. Tech and Startup Meetups
  4. Fitness Classes: Group yoga session, CrossFit class, etc. 
  5. Food and Drink Tasting Events: From wine and craft beer to sushi or vegan food
  6. Book Clubs
  7. Volunteer Opportunities
  8. Pet Socials: Meet other dog lovers!
  9. Skill-Sharing Workshops: Cooking class, photography workshop, or coding bootcamp

I love motorcycling, and I'm sure that if I were single, I could find my man through the motorcycling community.

You could meet guys through motorcycle clubs if you love motorcycling as much as I do

Or another one of my favorite hobbies: RC planes

Using your hobbies like my RC airplane hobby to meet your potential BF

A quick review below:

Getting a gay boyfriend while playing basketball explainer

Using Social Media: Instagram & Facebook

Quite simple: like and comment on his posts (or his comments on the other posts), send him a DM, exchange numbers, and try to set up a date. 

Location, Location, Location: Where You Are Matters As Much As Who You Are

Why Can’t I Find a Good Boyfriend! Meme

If you're stuck in a country where being gay can get you arrested, your top priority is a one-way ticket out of there. Seriously, love can wait; your safety can't.

The Legality of Gay Sex in UN Member States datingarmory_com

Next, if you're in a country where it's acceptable to be gay, be in the right city. 

Here's what I mean:

If you live in Israel, homosexuality is legalized.

But as someone who's lived there for a bit, I can tell you that you'll have a much better experience in secularized Tel Aviv than in ultra-religious Jerusalem.

Gay Area in Tel Aviv, Israel with map

Even in Morocco, where homosexuality is still illegal, cities like Marrakech and Casablanca, for instance, show a tad more tolerance. But note: a "tad more" still means you've got to tread carefully.

The same could be said in the US, where you're free to be gay wherever, however you want. At the same time, you don't want to live in super conservative, religious cities.

You also want to consider whether the city you’ve chosen has A) big enough in population? And B) have people your age? 

Now that you’ve picked your city let’s zero in on the right neighborhood:

  • Are you close to the gay area or gay street in your city?
  • Are you close enough to the center to where you could make your place the hangout place, the ‘cool place’ to be?

The right location, such as the center of Brussels pictured below, will set you up for success. 

The gay street in the center of Brussels

Tintin inspired gay mural in the center of Brussels

Bisexual Guys are Perfectly Good Boyfriends 

Maybe bisexual guys cheat more than gay guys. 

That’s what people say anyway, but I don’t know. 

There’s no evidence to support either claim - as you can see below, every study I've looked at bunches gay and bisexual men together

Cheating Statistics by Sexual Orientation datingarmory_com

Let’s be honest with each other:

Feeling jealous that an otherwise wonderful guy will cheat on you just because he’s bisexual says more about you than any potential bi boyfriend. 

The same-sex dating pool is already so small (pictured below); why would you want to exclude a group of otherwise datable bisexual men because of your jealousy?

The Total Number of LGBT adults in the U.S. datingarmory_com

Drop Your ‘Anti-Hookup Shield’

Hey, I get it. 

You're on the hunt for a relationship, something stable, possibly monogamous. 

But what if the love of your life is out there, not quite on the same page—yet? 


He's just casually hooking up, living his best life, and then bam! You walk into the picture and change his mind completely.

If you don an ‘Anti-Hookup Shield,’ that special guy might pass you by without a second glance. 

Tragic, right? 

Let me get personal for a sec: I was that guy, the one who wasn't looking for anything serious, hopping between men and women. And then I met my boyfriend. A single date was all it took for me to flip the script.

We’ve all read countless articles warning us to steer clear of hookups if you're looking for something serious. 

To that, I say: cut the nonsense. 

Hookups transforming into committed relationships is far from rare—it happens all the time. 

And why not? 

Chemistry's chemistry, whether you find it at a coffee shop or in the bedroom.

(Of course, you’ll want to pair your hookup with an unforgettable date experience, and that’s what we’ll cover in the next part.)


Save my post 'What Not To (Ever) Do On A First Date: 27 Examples' to read later; it'll save you a lot of heartache. It's the guide I wish I had when I started dating.

Pre-Dating Texting 

Sharing some pics is OK; just don't go all out. While you're open to hooking up - and maybe sex is all this date will lead to, you still want to frame this date as possibly leading to a relationship. 

Don’t meet at his or your place

You want to avoid meeting at either of your places for the first date. 

You need to get to know each other. 

Netflix and chill does not count. 

Have actual fun on the date

Be anything but boring.

Let me say the same thing, but in bold:

Be anything but boring.

You are the captain tonight. 

This is your stage, and you'll direct a romantic and insightful performance.

Movies on a first date? 

A hard no.

How can you connect if you're both silently staring at a screen?

(I’m sure this is obvious to you, but many of my coaching clients thought movies were a safe option!)

  • Do Your Homework: Before the date, go detective mode: scour his profile, revisit your chat history, and dig for clues on what he'd love to do. Stuck? I've got a list of killer first-date ideas that never disappoint.
  • The Three Venue Rule: Have options. Is your go-to bar overcrowded? Go to your backup bar, which is only a 5-minute walk away. 
  • 7-Day FriendLag Rule: We are all drowning in work; always plan platonic or romantic dates a week in advance. 
  • Venue Hopping: Your ideal date length should hover around the 90-minute mark. Halfway through, move to your second venue or bar to keep it fresh.

Read my full 'first date tips' post: My Favorite 27 First Date Tips (As A Dating Coach)

Here are some topics you can talk about:

  1. Travel
  2. Hobbies/do for fun
  3. Where you grew up
  4. Where you would like to live
  5. Where you live now
  6. Family
  7. Lottery: what would you do if you one
  8. Favorite music and movies
  9. Personality while growing up

Asking, 'Sooo...what do you do?' is not the greatest idea. 

Bottom line:

You're not just going on a date; you're crafting an experience that both of you will remember. You will mentally leave the dull monotony of day-to-day life while you're on that date and enter a new world with new possibilities.

Teasing and Flirting 101

This article isn't a dating guide; I have separate articles for Flirting: How To Flirt With a Guy In Any Situation: 43 Examples and Teasing: The Guide: 74 Methods To Tease A Girl.

But here are 5 ideas to get you started:

  1. Ask him to help you or if you could help him in a flirty way - anything small during the date.
  2. Give him a flirty compliment, e.g., tell him that you want him to wear the same shirt that he is wearing in his profile picture.
  3. If you're really into him and feeling the chemistry, don't say much, but look at him like a hungry tiger, mentally undressing him with a slight smile, and he'll feel it.
  4. When he says something silly or downright goofy, give him a gentle push as if saying, "You're ridiculous, and I love it."
  5. Playfully tease him if he makes a mistake. 
gay couple on a date

Teasing done right: he says something silly so you playfully push him away from you then pull him back 

The First Kiss

I humbly admit that I've always received compliments for being a good kisser. 

But funnily enough, when I leaned in to kiss my boyfriend for the first time, he accidentally kissed my nose and mustache instead. 

So don't be like us!

Here are some things to keep in mind:

  1. Make sure your date feels safe kissing. Case in point, I was on this date with this other guy in 'Park Royal' - a big, open, secure park in Brussels. This guy was huge, taller than me (and I'm 190cm), and probably 3 times as strong as me (I've been lifting for almost 3 years), and yet, when I went for the kiss, he was too scared. It killed my mood, but it shows you never can be sure how comfortable he feels kissing till you ask.
  2. Pre-Kiss Prep: Avoid garlic and other similar food before the date, and pop a mint before you go for the kiss. Pro tip: Get caught with a nasty breath? Say you're testing you for vampirism.
  3. Leaning in to kiss: There are 1,000 ways to do it, but the most straightforward way is to put your hand on his back, lean in, and ask if you can kiss.


Check out My Favorite 27 First Date Tips (As A Dating Coach) for an awesome first date guide. Let me know what you think or what I can add to it!

How to End the Date Early

How can you un-awkwardly end dates early for the ones you know won't work out?

Best way:

"Hi, I'm sorry for cutting this short, but I'm not feeling the vibe. You're a very cool guy, though. I wish you the best."

Then split the bill and go on your merry way. 

For a complete guide to the art of rejecting, read 59 Moves: How To Tell Someone You're Not Interested And Reject a Guy or Girl [& Countless Examples]

Telling Him That You Like Him and Getting That Second Date



Just like this:

"Till we meet again, under yon same starlit sky. But pray, remember to dream not of other maidens (bachelors?) tonight!"

If that's not good enough, how's this:

"Until the tide brings me back to your shores. And may you not drift off... to the siren's call of late-night infomercials."

OK, let's try to be normal.

  1. Hey [name], I really enjoyed our time together. Let's do this again. Let me know when you get home safely 😉
  2. That was fun, [callback humor/ refer to something funny that happened on the date]. Next time, you'll pick where we go. Good night 😉
  3. Hope you had a lovely evening - I did. Next time, we must check out [name of venue you discussed during the date]. Let me know when you get home safely. 

My horror story:

A while ago, I went out with this one guy I met on Tinder. 

It went 'OK,' so I planned to meet him again. 

Sometime while I was sleeping, I must've ‘sleep-texted’ him some nonsensical shit because, in the morning, he asked me what the hell I sent. 


Sleep texting is not the best way to get a second date. 

We didn’t meet again. 

Sleep texting a guy datingarmory_com

Having “The (Boyfriend) Talk” 

You've been on a couple of dates (3-4), having fun, getting to know each other, and feeling the mutual chemistry.

How do I make it official?

Have a 'The Talk.'

Tell your man you want to see this go further and see what he says.

If he says yes, fantastic. That's amazing. 

If he needs more time, ask him what he's unsure about; if it's just time to think, give him more time. 

No rush.

If he's only looking for an open relationship, you need to ask yourself if that's what you want. If so, go for it. 

If he says no, I'm very sorry. It's gonna hurt. A lot. But you'll move on eventually; your man could be just around the corner. 

Additional Advice

Quick Dating Troubleshooting

What if you've been following my God-inspired advice, and your boyfriend has not yet descended from heaven? 

These are some possible issues to consider:

From 1-10, How Attractive Are You?

Unless you're a 10, you can always become a more attractive man.

Here are some quick tips:

  1. Lift weights: Science shows gay guys (mostly) love muscles, too. Newbie at the gym? I started with The Body Beast Program by BeachBody.
  2. Skincare Routine: Cleanse. Moisturize. Sun Protection. All of it!
  3. Clothing & Style: Wear clothes that look good and fit well. 

How Are Your Conversational Skills?

I've given you some tips on what to discuss on a date, but how are your conversational skills overall? It may be time to brush up on those skills.

Read books like The Social Skills Guidebook. 

The Social Skills Guidebook Cover Book by Chris MacLeod

The Social Skills Guidebook Cover

Improv classes can be helpful, too. 

How's Your Voice & Speech

Got a whole guide to talking confidently, but here are some things to look out for:

  1. Talking too fast or slow
  2. Talking too low or loud
  3. Not enunciating your words.

Work on that. 

It'll improve all areas of your life. 

Who are you: Nice guy to Bad Boy

Pop culture won't shut up about why girls love bad boys. 

While most Internet dating advice is radioactive waste, there is a grain of truth to being the attractive, bad boy:

Being a pathetic pushover is never pretty. 

You want to be the leader of your own life. 

If you notice that you've been Mr. Nice Guy your whole life, incapable of saying no to anyone, it may be time to visit the dark side for a bit before you find a happy balance. 

Entitlement, Neediness, and the Patience Paradox

Let me tell you a quick story. I once hooked up with a guy; to be diplomatic, it was just "OK." 

He was itching for a relationship, but the spark wasn't there for me. 

When I tried to make my exit, he wouldn't let up, so I told him we could be friends—a bad call, in hindsight - and made my exit. 

Over the next few days, his texts were relentless. I tried to send the universal "not interested" signs—ignoring, claiming I was swamped, you name it. 

And then he snapped: "You said we'd be friends, so now you have to be my friend." 


That's entitlement on steroids.

He was so entitled. 

And where does this entitlement come from?



You're stuck in a desert without water (think: boyfriend), and someone calmly tells you not to worry. 

Duh, you'll worry; you're stuck in a desert and thirsty!

So what's the solution? How do you manage your thirsty neediness and lack of patience? 

You must trust the process. 

Understanding the '1 for 100' rule from earlier. Knowing that if you keep meeting guys and improving yourself, you will meet the love of your life. As they say, everything worth it takes time. Think about how long it takes to build a successful business from scratch. There are no overnight miracles. 

Ironically, the less desperate you are to find love, the more likely love will find you. 

Positive or Negative Vibes?

Ever try dating when you feel like a walking stress-ball? 

I've been there, and spoiler alert: It's a nightmare. 

There was a time when I could not get a project off the ground. I became a one-man energy vacuum. 

Not only did it mess with my dating life, but I also turned into a joy-sucker around my friends.

If you're going through a stormy phase like this, let the clouds pass before you meet new guys. 

But what if the skies are clear, and you're still not Mr. Sunshine?

It may be time to shake up for life - whether it's a new hobby, hitting the gym, or just reconnecting with what makes you happy.

Investigate your Last Relationship

Detective magnifying glass zooming into a broken heart trying to find out what went wrong in that last relationship

Have you been around the relationship block before?

It's time to put on your detective hat and ask yourself some hard questions about your last love affair.

  1. How did the previous one end? 
  2. Was it your fault? 
  3. How could you have saved it? 
  4. Are you the same man you were then? 

If you don't learn from your mistakes, you'll take them everywhere; as Dr. Suess says, "Everywhere you go, there you are!"

A funny screenshot of gay dating tips from Bing search

Or, at least according to Bing, you haven't left 'it' in the oven for enough time to get your BF. (And yes, this is a real screenshot. I don't think I was searching for a recipe!)

Journal, journal, journal

As much as you want to investigate the past, you want to understand the present.

Document your attempts, frustrations, and successes. 

You'll get a clearer idea of the battlefield.

(And let's be honest: calling the dating world a battlefield is being overly generous. Dating is waaay worse than that.)

Check for Personality Disorders 

Ever feel like an unseen force is sabotaging your love life? It might be worth checking if an undiagnosed personality disorder is pulling the strings.

I've spoken about autism and borderline personality disorder, but the list doesn't end there. You could be dealing with various disorders, from the paranoid to the narcissistic, from ADHD to obsessive-compulsive.

Here's a slice from my life: 

I discovered I had ADHD, got the right treatment, and boom—my social life and relationship with my boyfriend leveled up in ways I couldn't imagine.

If this strikes a chord, don't stop here. Dive into the official resources below and consult a mental health professional.

Goals: What Kind of Boyfriend and Relationship Do You Want?

Love, like any successful venture, needs a game plan. 

That's where your KPIs come in. No, not Key Performance Indicators—though they sound the same. 

Meet your Key Passion Indicators. 

These questions will help you laser in on what you want in your future boyfriend. Think of it as the '21 Questions' or '20Q' toy from the 1990s—a computerized game that could guess what you were thinking just by asking a series of questions. 

Hope you like my little advertisement:

20 Questions to Find What Relationship You Want Meme

Let’s do the same with your love life:

  1. What's Non-Negotiable? Are there any values or traits that are deal-breakers for you? It could be monogamy, religious beliefs, or lifestyle choices like fitness or veganism.
  2. Long-term Vision: Where do you see yourself in 5 years, and does that vision include a partner? If so, what role does he play in your life?
  3. Commitment Level: Are you seeking a potential husband, a possible lifetime boyfriend, or a boyfriend for the winter? How does this align with your current life stage and future plans?
  4. Attachment Styles: Are you more 'Secure,' 'Anxious-Preoccupied,' 'Dismissive-Avoidant,' or 'Fearful-Avoidant' in your attachment style? Understanding this psychological framework can help you and your potential partner understand each other. 
  5. Shared Interests: How important is it for your boyfriend to share hobbies or passions with you? Could you see yourself hiking or painting together?
  6. Intellectual Match: Do you need someone who can challenge you intellectually and engage in deep conversations, or is emotional support more critical for you?
  7. Sexual Compatibility: What are your sexual needs and kinks? How vital is sexual compatibility in your relationship?
  8. Social Dynamics: How does your ideal boyfriend fit into your social circle? Is it crucial that he gets along with your friends and family, or are you OK keeping worlds separate?
  9. Independence Quotient: How much 'me-time' do you need in a relationship? Do you want a boyfriend who is entwined with most aspects of your life, or do you prefer a certain level of independence?
  10. Conflict Resolution: What is your style of managing disagreements or conflicts? Do you seek a boyfriend who can navigate that landscape in a manner compatible with your approach?
  11. Financial Philosophy: Are you a saver or a spender? How important is it for your boyfriend to share your financial goals and habits?
  12. Physical Attraction: What physical attributes are you most attracted to? Height, body type, or something specific like tattoos or facial hair?
  13. Style & Fashion: Do you care about how your boyfriend dresses? Are you drawn to a specific style, like preppy, sporty, or goth?
  14. Social Status: How vital is your potential boyfriend's social standing or popularity? Are you looking for someone who's the life of the party or more of a wallflower?
  15. Travel Compatibility: Do you love to travel and want a partner who shares that love? Or are you cool with traveling by yourself and with friends?
  16. Entertainment Preferences: What are your go-to activities for fun? Would you like a boyfriend who will go clubbing with you, or are you looking for someone who'd prefer a quiet night in?
  17. Incompatibility Red Flags: Remember past relationships or encounters that didn't work out. What specific issues or traits were immediate red flags for you?
  18. Freedom Limiters: Are any behaviors or traits that make you feel stifled or restricted? For instance, are you uncomfortable with a partner who's excessively possessive or jealous?
  19. Emotional Baggage: Are you willing to deal with unresolved emotional issues from your partner's past? If not, what sort of emotional "baggage" are you unwilling to accommodate? We all have some baggage. Just avoid the ones that go over the weight limit!
  20. Core Value Conflicts: Are there any fundamental values you hold that you wouldn't compromise for anyone? This could be religious beliefs, political views, or stances on monogamy or open relationships.
  21. Family Planning: Do you know whether you want children or not? Would it be a deal-breaker if your potential boyfriend or husband felt differently?
  22. Work-Life Balance: Are you unwilling to be with someone who prioritizes your career to the point where it significantly interferes with your relationship? What if it's a phase to get their business off the ground?
  23. Communication Style: Do you have a preferred method of conflict resolution? What communication styles make you feel dismissed or invalidated?
  24. Social Expectations: Are you introverted and find constant social engagements draining? Would a boyfriend who insists on frequent social outings be a deal-breaker?
  25. Intimacy Boundaries: Are there any boundaries in the bedroom that you consider inviolable? This could be related to specific sexual activities, openness to polyamory, etc.
  26. Financial Deal-breakers: Are you financially disciplined and find it impossible to be with someone who is not economically responsible? Or do you have a different financial deal-breaker?
  27. Love vs. Status: Do you want a boyfriend you love as your soulmate or a guy called 'your boyfriend' that you can show off to your friends and feel less lonely? (We both know an unhappy relationship makes you feel more lonely than alone or single. 'Alone,' 'single,' and 'lonely' aren't the same.)
  28. Good craziness vs. Normal: Do you want a normal boyfriend or a boyfriend who is crazy about you and won't stop grabbing your body even when you're trying to cook? I am guilty of the latter, and my boyfriend loves it! 
  29. Eye Candy: What does he look like? Does he take care of his body? Does he work out? How much importance does he place on looking good?
  30. Love vs. Love Him: If you've met this guy a couple times, do you want to be in a relationship, or do you want to be in a relationship with him?
  31. Money vs. Ambition: Do you care if he has a boring 9-5 job but makes good money, or do you want a guy who's half broke but crazy passionate about his business idea?
  32. Chef's Choice: How much do you care about food? Do you love the whole cooking process? Would it bother you if you always cook for him? (Except for cleaning up, no one likes that!)
  33. Your Home: When would you want to move in with your man, or are you perfectly happy living in your own place as long as you live in the same city?
gay couple making food together

I'm the guy on the right with my boyfriend, I hold onto him while he's cooking for us - even when it makes it hard.

What are things that scare you about being in a relationship with any guys:

  1. Commitment Phobia: Are you afraid of being tied down and losing your freedom?
  2. Rejection Sensitivity: Do you fear opening up emotionally only to be rejected or ridiculed?
  3. Past Trauma: Is there past hurt that makes you wary of being vulnerable again?
  4. Fear of Failure: Do you dread the idea of a relationship not working out and seeing it as a personal failure?
  5. Inadequacy Concerns: Are you anxious about not being "good enough" in some way—financially, physically, emotionally—for a potential boyfriend?
  6. Codependency Worries: Are you afraid of losing your sense of self or becoming overly dependent on your boyfriend?
  7. Trust Issues: Do you have fears about trusting another person with your secrets, emotions, or even your heart?
  8. Public Perception: Are you concerned about how the relationship will be perceived by friends, family, or society?
  9. Monogamy Challenges: If monogamy is important to you, do you fear the possibility of infidelity?
  10. Life-Path Divergence: Are you worried about getting deeply involved only to discover you're headed in different life directions?
  11. Social Spotlight: Are you concerned about the world's "reviews" of your love life?

Alright, you’ve answered all these questions. 

Time to distill that raw data into a crystal-clear action plan with these three steps:

  • Deal-Makers vs. Deal-Breakers: You've got your list of wants, but which are the "must-haves" and which are the "cool-if-he-has"? Separate what you can and can't live without.
  • Mirror, Mirror: Time for some introspection. What are you bringing to the relationship table? How well do those traits vibe with what you're looking for?
  • Rank Them: If you had to play favorites, which five traits top your list? These are your non-negotiables, the traits that matter most, whether they're deeply emotional or superficial.

Some traits might seem minor, like what kind of food he likes, while others are monumental, like his attachment style. Spell it out. Get it all down.

Now that you have it all down, hand your list over to a good friend for a reality check: are you being too picky, or is there something else you’re missing? 

Once you get your feedback, you are way ahead of the curve. 

You are laser-focused on your love goals, and you will achieve them. 

Awesome Gay Dating Resources

I've tried to pack this article with all the wisdom you can handle, there’s always more to learn. 

The following resources are super helpful, and I’ll even give you extra credit after class:


In summary, kick off your boyfriend search armed with my '100 for 1 Principle,' a strategy that prepares you for the possibility of meeting about 100 potential partners before you find 'the one.' Leverage dating apps like Grindr and consider joining group activities that resonate with your true interests. Be mindful of your location; the wrong city can seriously limit your options, especially in less accepting environments. Once you've connected with someone, keep the pre-date texting engaging but genuine. Plan a fun multi-venue for the first date, and don't hesitate to flirt and make out. If the vibe is right, continue dating until you solidify your relationship.


Reading my 5,800-word guide is no small feat, and I'm honored that you found investing your time in my work worthwhile.

I'm all ears if you have more questions, dating stories, or insights.

Drop them in the comments below - I'll learn new things, plus you could be the golden advice someone else needs today. 

Happy dating!

Coach Colt

  • Hi coach,

    This is a very cool article.

    I broke up with my first boyfriend a couple of months ago. It was a (very) bad time for me and although things are better now, I just don’t have the motivation to get out there. What do I do?


    • Hi Sam,

      Your feeling of zero motivation is entirely normal. You get the same feeling from being burnt out at work or school.

      As such, the solution is the same: could you take your time to recover?

      That doesn’t mean watching Netflix stuck in your apartment.

      Get into nature.

      Breathe deeply. Make hiking a weekly habit. Do whatever presses the ‘reset’ switch on your system.

      As you start to recover, take it slowly. Don’t start by wildly chasing after any potential boyfriend. Instead, I’d recommend you go after what you love doing and try meeting new people (not just men) like that.

      Most importantly, don’t hate yourself for feeling dead inside. It’s normal, and shaming yourself is the right way to go.

      Big hug,

  • Super practical and down-to-earth advice. It should help me – I’ve really been struggling!

    One thing I’m curious about, though: you briefly mentioned using dating apps, but I’m kinda lost on how to set up a Grindr profile that actually stands out. Any tips or tricks you could share?

    • Great to hear you found the article useful!

      To answer your question, setting up your Grindr profile is both an art and a science.

      Here are some basic guidelines to follow:

      1. Show personality in your profile: Show that you are a real human being and have things you love to do. Smile!
      2. Bio: Clearly mention you’re open to hooking up but that you’re also looking for a long-term partner
      3. Initial texts: Sharing nudes is cool, and we all do it. But don’t give them away as easily. Let the other guy show some investment, some interest on his end, then reciprocate.

      This does deserve its own article, but I hope this is useful,
      Coach Colt

  • The 100 for 1 Principle makes sense as a general framework.

    But I’m wondering, how do you handle the emotional toll this might take? Meeting 100 people is exhausting and even demoralizing, especially if you keep running into dead ends.

    Do you have any tips on managing the emotional or mental fatigue that could come with playing the “numbers game”?


    • Hey Kevin, you’ve hit on a critical point that often gets glossed over when discussing the “numbers game” in dating or any other pursuit.

      In future pieces, I’ll delve deeper into managing emotional fatigue, but for now, a couple of quick tips:

      1. Take Breaks: It’s okay to pause and recharge. You’re not a robot.
      2. Quality over Quantity: While the “100 for 1 Principle” is about volume, don’t lose sight of the quality of interactions. Authentic, meaningful connections can be emotionally rewarding even if they don’t lead to a relationship.
      3. Don’t Attach Your Self-Worth to Outcomes: Easier said than done, but crucial. Each “no” is a step closer to a “yes,” but neither defines you.

      Thanks for the thought-provoking question, Kevin, and stay tuned for more on this topic.

      Coach Colt

  • I found your point regarding the significance of shared interests and values in meeting other gay men quite logical.

    But you know that physical attraction precedes shared interests in today’s dating scene, where apps and online platforms dominate.

    So, how can I balance physical attraction and shared interests/values from the get-go?

    – Alex

    • Like many other excellent comments here, your question also deserves its article!

      But here are some ideas to get you started:

      Profile Optimization: When you set up your dating profile, be sure to focus equally on your interests, values, and photos. For example, if fitness is important to you, include a photo at the gym or hiking, and then mention in your Grindr/ Tinder bio why it’s your passion.

      Conversation Starters: Use your opening messages to comment on a shared interest you’ve noticed in their profile. This shows you’re attracted to more than just their looks and sets the stage for a deeper connection.

      Picture Selection: Choose profile pictures that tell a **story** about who you are and what you love to do. This invites conversation beyond just physical appearance.

      Ask Meaningful Questions: When you start chatting, ask questions that tap into their values and interests. For example, “I noticed you’re into indie films; got any favorites you’d recommend?”

      Offer Your Stories: Could you share anecdotes that show your values and interests? This can naturally segue into discovering what you both have in common.

      Set Your Filters: If you’re using dating apps, set your filters to match with people who have similar interests. (Also, many apps allow you to tag your interests and search by them.)

      Arrange Dates Around Shared Interests: When meeting, suggest dates that align with shared hobbies or values, like visiting an art exhibit or hiking.

      I hope this helps you find that balance!

      Coach Colt

  • It seems that while everyone is looking for a ‘boyfriend,’ they aren’t looking for a genuine connection.

    It’s all about showing Instagram that you aren’t some lonely freak in your mom’s basement.

  • Hi Coach, I wanted to mention that getting a wing is also a good idea. They can push you to talk to potential partners when you’re too scared. It’s someone who can help you take responsibility, like anything else in your life, like a fitness partner.

    • Hi Victor, that’s a great idea!

      Of course, winging is a two-way street, so you’ll also have to help out your wing. And just be careful you don’t become the one giving out all the advice without finding love yourself.

      Happy dating,
      Coach Colt

  • My self-esteem holds me back the most. I don’t have trouble meeting guys, but every time I do, I sabotage the relationship because I don’t feel worthy of finding a good boyfriend.

    • Hi Aiden,

      Thanks for the comment.

      Low self-esteem is a genuine issue that I’ve seen many guys deal with. On the flip side, not being the only one with low self-esteem also means some solutions have worked for others that will also work for you.


      As a dating coach, this goes beyond my expertise. And so, I recommend you talk to your medical doctor and therapist to develop a solid game plan.

      We are all in this together,
      Coach Colt

  • This blog is super cooooool!

    I saw you randomly mentioned on some YT channel.

    You know you’ll be big if you keep writing like this.

    Big fan!

  • You’ve got a new supporter here. Keep up the fantastic work!

    Friedrich 🇩🇪


    I know you want to stay anonymous with your BF, but you two seem sooo cute 😍🏳️‍🌈

  • 100% Agree. It’s always been about meeting people without the intention or pressure of being more than friends.

    • YES. YES. AND YES!

      It’s the classic story of meeting the love of your life at a coffee shop:

      You’re in line at a coffee shop, lost in a book or your laptop, and overhear some guy struggling to pick a drink.

      You chime in with a recommendation—no strings attached, just sharing your go-to caffeine fix for this “Horrible, rainy Monday morning.”

      You both laugh, exchange names, and soon find out you’ve got more in common than just coffee preferences.

      Fast forward a few hangouts (or dates), and without either of you forcing the pace, you’ve naturally clicked on a deeper level.

      It all started from a casual chat, no pressure for romance, just two people vibing out – and sometimes, that’s how the best relationships begin.

      Of course, you don’t want to leave it all to chance, but being open to meeting your partner anywhere dramatically raises your chances of success.

      Coach Colt

  • Something that worked for me: Become the boyfriend you want to meet. If you want a kind, loving, passionate boyfriend, be that man first, and then you’ll attract the man you truly want and deserve. We attract who we are.

    • It’s also not just being that way on the inside. Anyone can buy a personal development book and be more kind.

      It goes deeper than that:

      If I want a “kind, loving, passionate boyfriend,” I must deal with my trauma and inner demons.

      And that I can’t buy that in some personal development eBook from Amazon.

      It takes time.


      • You hit the nail on the head – and what you’re saying can be applied to any genuine personal development journey:

        1. Acknowledging the Need: It starts with a sense of lack in some aspect of life, whether love, wealth, or health.
        2. Seeking Knowledge: Next, you dive into learning about this area, fervently seeking solutions and strategies.
        3. Realizing the Depth: Gradually, you understand that surface solutions aren’t enough. Real change requires a more profound transformation, addressing the core of who you ‘are.’
        4. Embracing Change: You commit to this internal metamorphosis. It’s challenging, but as you evolve, you notice profound improvements in your life.

        Now, let’s apply this to getting a gay boyfriend:

        1. Desire for a Partner: You recognize a longing for a boyfriend.
        2. Educational Pursuit: You scour resources, like articles on understanding gay relationships, to gather knowledge.
        3. Deep Self-Reflection: Eventually, you realize that to attract your ideal partner, superficial changes won’t suffice. Healing your traumas and fundamentally transforming your identity as a man becomes imperative.
        4. Transformation and Growth: You undertake this deep, introspective work. It’s a journey, not a quick fix. But through this process, you emerge anew, better equipped for your desired relationship.

        Coach Colt

  • In 2 words:

    Slow down!

    No one can force their way into love.

    (It’s like David Hawkins’ book: Power vs. Force.)

  • What an article. So useful. But I don’t know if it’ll get me my boyfriend, but we’ll try haha 🤣🤣🤣

  • Great post. As sad as it sounds, Grindr is still the best way to meet other gay men and, by extension, your gay partner. And unlike Tinder, I don’t see the point of paying for Grindr – just get a phone-based adblocker and you’re all set.

    • Yes. But also:

      Expand your social circle.

      The more gay men you ‘bump into,’ the higher the chances you have of meeting your man.

      As Colt said, sometimes it’s a numbers game.


  • Hey Coach Colt, I’ve been following your advice for a while and it’s really helped me understand a lot about relationships.

    I’m curious about something specific. In the context of gay dating, how important are shared political ideologies for building a strong, committed relationship?


    • Hey there,

      Thanks for reaching out with such a thought-provoking question!

      When it comes to gay dating or any relationship for that matter, shared political ideologies aren’t necessarily a make-or-break factor.

      While connecting with someone with similar views is easier, love often transcends political boundaries.

      What’s truly remarkable is when two people can come together and build a strong, committed relationship, regardless of their political beliefs.

      **Embracing differences, including political views, can actually deepen your connection.**

      It’s about seeing and loving each other for who you are as human beings, not just for your beliefs or actions.

      This approach can foster a deeper understanding, respect, and open-mindedness in a relationship.

      In essence, it’s not the similarities in your politics that define the strength of your bond but your ability to love and accept each other unconditionally despite those differences.

      I hope that helps!

      Coach Colt

  • Great post, and I appreciate you responding to many of the comments here.

    I have a fundamental question that may be best answered in a separate post, but anyway:

    How do you know that you’ve found your long-term gay boyfriend or soul mate? Maybe this relationship was only meant to last a couple of months?

    Jason 🇺🇸

  • I’ve noticed that having a boyfriend really hasn’t made me feel less lonely. Something is really wrong with me.

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    About the author 

    Coach Colt here, the founder of Dating Armory, your go-to source for no-nonsense, practical relationship advice. I'm a bisexual male in a same-sex open relationship and a researcher in sex, love, and relationships with 7+ years of experience. I specialize in helping both men and women navigate the crazy world of dating.

    Don't miss my other guides packed with practical dating advice (no bullshit repeated Platitudes) and tons of real life examples:

    My Top 57 First Date Ideas That Always Work (As a Dating Coach)

    Are Coffee Dates Good? It (Kinda) Depends

    17 Basic Coffee Date Tips (From a Dating Coach)

    How to Get a Gay Boyfriend: 25 Tips That Work