My Experience Dating Men & Women as a Bisexual Man [& Lessons Learned]

I've gathered invaluable experiences and enjoyed unforgettable moments while dating both men and women.

And in this post, I want to share with you all the juicy details.

Enjoy!

My “Early Bisexual Confusion Phase”

Let's begin with a term I call "Early Bisexual Confusion Phase." 

Here's what I mean:

Early Bisexual Confusion Phase

Noun

1. The initial phase in a person's life marked by the realization that their sexual orientation is neither strictly heterosexual nor homosexual, but rather bisexual.
2. A transitional period characterized by emotional and psychological exploration, self-doubt, and identity questioning, often leading to self-acceptance and clarity.

Usage: "Many bisexual individuals experience the 'Early Bisexual Confusion' as they come to terms with their authentic sexual orientation."

If you're bisexual, I'm sure you'll be able to relate to this as well.

I relate to this 'confusion' too well. 

Here's my story:

Raised in a devoutly religious community, getting married by 25 was the norm. We breathed, ate, and slept the teachings of the religious faith. 

The very idea of a man being attracted to another man? 

Unthinkable.

The idea was so taboo; it was like an unspoken rule: Don't even think about thinking about it.

Luckily, my teachers struggled to fit me into their one-size-fits-all approach.

By middle school, I was stealing glances at my cute male classmates. 

It only got ‘worse’ in high school. 

Now, I'd be staring at guys from across the study hall or our gigantic lunch room. 

I never admitted to myself that I could be attracted to men. I rationalized my behavior by saying, "I like looking at beautiful, good-looking, handsome men - everyone appreciates striking beauty!”

What's gay about that? 

[Narrator: EVERYTHING.]

Plus, I was attracted to the girl down the road, even a little shy to speak to her. 

So, if I was attracted to girls, how could I also be attracted to men? 

That's impossible: You're either gay or straight. 

No in-betweens… 

Or so I thought.

By the time I was 18, I had completely left my religion, and then it finally hit me:

I'm bisexual. I'm attracted to both men and women.

Mind. Blown.

My "Early Bisexual Confusion Phase" lasted a few years.

I experimented (read: had fun) with guys and girls. I educated myself about safe sex. I underwent therapy to shake off the religious and sexual guilt shackled to me.

All along this process, people kept saying, "You'll eventually come out as gay."

Well, guess what?

Years have passed, and I'm still bisexual!

My Fear of Coming Out as a Bisexual Man

From experience, coming out as a bisexual man sucks:

1. Emasculating: Coming out as gay often clears the air. People might stereotype you, but they also generally accept that you might be more "feminine" (whatever that means). Bisexuality, on the other hand, puts you in a gray zone. Are you the 'macho straight guy' or the 'feminine gay guy'? It's like you're stuck in a never-ending game of identity ping-pong.
2. The 'Why Not Women?' Nagging: If you're from a conservative or religious family like me, get ready for the unending questions about why you can't just settle with a woman since you're into girls, too. (Mom, I'm looking at you.)
3. The Bisexual Stereotype: Being known as a bisexual can give you what I call the ‘Promiscuous, Polyamorous, Threesome Bisexual Stereotype’ now that you like both.
4. The Lonely Bi Men: I don’t know any other bisexual guys. (That's not entirely true. I’ve met some, but they were just weirdos!)
5. Community and Friendship Fallout: How will your friends and community react when you finally come out? 
6. The STD Scare: If straight guys get a headache worrying about STDs. Bisexual guys get a migraine worrying about HIV. (Maybe it’s a trade-off to not deal with pregnancy?) 
7. Co-workers: When I first came out to my co-workers, they all started making jokes. Every time they found something phallic shapes, they’d ask if I’d like to use it as a dildo or say something along the lines of “It’s for [my name].”
8. Relationship Insecurity: When you're a bisexual man in a relationship with a man or woman, coming out can feel like rolling the dice. Will they question if the relationship is genuine? Will they start worrying you'll cheat? 
9. The "Bisexual Bombshell": You meet your special man/woman. But revealing you're bisexual makes you pause. Will they still want you, stereotypes and all?

You might think I'm exaggerating, but I swear I'm not.

Sure, my parents (especially my mother) were loving to me when I came out.

But my closest brother flat-out told me he didn't want to hear anything about my boyfriend.

And this isn't just about me. 

I’ve mentioned this story in other posts, but I went on a date with ‘Mr. Towering Bisexual' sometime around last year. 

To paint a picture: I'm 6'3", moderately built, and this guy dwarfed me—like an action figure next to a statue.

Built like a sixty-ton tank.

Yet, while we were having drinks in a perfectly safe park in Brussels called "Parc de Bruxelles" and I went for the kiss, he didn’t want to. 

Not because he wasn't into me but because he was scared. He feared the gossip - what if someone spotted us and ratted him out to his community?

So, is it really worth coming out as a bisexual man?

After all, you don’t really have to come out. Unlike gay men, you can date girls and avoid men for the rest of your life. 

For us, coming out is less of a must and more of a should. 

These are all good arguments, and that’s why data shows that bisexuals lag behind gays and lesbians when it comes to coming out.

But ultimately, here’s why I think you shouldn’t hide your sexuality:

Embracing your bisexuality is a rough journey. Yet, stick with it, and you'll discover a level of self-acceptance and sexual freedom that neither a straight nor gay identity could offer. You'll learn to love yourself holistically and live on your own terms. 

Dealing with Mental Disorders in the Bisexual Community 

Mental health issues run rampant among bisexuals.

Take a look at these charts:

Bisexual men face high levels of anxiety and mood disorders—way above their straight or gay peers. [1]

There are also disturbingly high levels of drug abuse among bisexual youth. [2]

Even worse, suicidal thoughts and attempts are grossly more frequent among bisexuals than any other sexual orientation. [2, 3, 4]

In my own life, I've been diagnosed with ADHD and have battled heavy anxiety.

None of which makes dating any easier.

Yet, the best thing I ever did was own (not disown!) every part of me and be proud of who I am. 

My Friends Mostly Accept Me

When I came out to my friends, nothing changed between us. 

One even told me, “Yeah, it's totally cool, be you, it's natural.”

Personal note: In the beginning, the experience is a bit surreal. You realize you might be attracted to some of your guy and girl friends. Don’t worry. With time, you’ll come to understand that your friends are off-limits, and you'll stop sexualizing them.

My Open Relationship Experience With My Gay Boyfriend 

While some guys struggle to find love, it took me just two months on Grindr and a handful of dates to meet my amazing boyfriend. 

Our relationship? 

It's practically perfect (if you ignore his horrific movie choices).

We're in an open relationship. 

He’s gay, so he’ll occasionally hook up with a guy.

He’s satisfied my desire for other men, but I’ll go for the occasional girl. 

Easy?

Not quite.

Two weeks after we met, when I first pitched the idea of an open relationship, he dumped me on the spot. But 48 hours later, he wanted to talk, and luckily, he agreed. 

His main worry? That I'd fall for a woman and leave him. (After many open discussions, I've eased his fears.)

Hooking up vs. LTR with Men and Women

Casual sex: Girls are difficult, and guys are (too) easy.

To seduce a girl, you need to get her attention over Tinder or approach her wherever you see her, say the right things, and ‘subtly’ impress her and ensure her friends approve of you. 

It’s a high-stress project. 

Guys are a gazillion times easier. 

You check out their Grindr profile to make sure they have ‘a face’ and that you’re sexually compatible. You ‘Tap’ and message your man. Talk for 59 seconds, decide who’ll host, and off you go. 

There’s no pressure to keep the conversation flowing, and you can usually get physically intimate right away without fear of coming off like a creep.

But:

For a long-term relationship, Girls are easy, and guys are the difficult ones. 

You know the joke:

"What do lesbians bring on a second date?"

A U-haul.

"What do gay men bring on a second date?"

What second date?

Pssst! Read my guide to getting your first gay boyfriend - it’s really good. 

I promise. 

Dating Guys and Girls Could Not Be More Different 

But beyond just getting laid or finding a long-term partner, men and women act totally differently:

I feel like you need to act ‘the man’ when dating women

Most girls like the tall, muscular, dominant man.

Finding girls who’ll appreciate what you offer can be hard if you don't play that role.

Now, flip the script. 

When I'm with men, the roles are less rigid.

I can top, bottom, and let go of the constant pressure to be the alpha. 

It's like taking off a pair of tight shoes; suddenly, there's room to breathe and be yourself.

“Ahhh! Finally!”

Men tend to be more clear in communication

“Tend” is the big word here. 

I’ve had too many male friends who use smoke signals to communicate their feelings and can’t articulate anything. 

Then, I have female friends who are honest and direct about what they are looking for, what they want, and what’s bothering them. 

It’s beyond just being ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine.’

So yes, this is a generalization based on my limited dating experience, but here’s what I’ve noticed:

Thirsty boyfriend: 

“I’m fucking thirsty. Let's pull over and get a drink from that gas station 2 miles down!”

Thirsty girlfriend: 

“Are you thirsty? Are you really sure? I wonder what kind of drinks they sell in that gas station? Is it more expensive? What is your favorite brand of soda? Mine is Mountain Dew.” 

Proceeds to complain for the next 25 minutes about "nothing" until you finally figure out she wants to buy a drink from a gas station.

Pssst!

Share your dating stories in the comments below. I'd love to have a discussion with you!

The Learning Curve 

when dating both genders:

• You learn specific things when dating women, say your lifestyle preferences, and when dating men, you learn about your emotional needs and sexuality. 
• You may learn that you like a very particular kind of man but don’t care when dating women. Or maybe it’s the other way around. 
• You’ll learn a whole set of tools to tease, touch, and talk confidently with girls on a date, and then you’ll learn a new set of tools for dating guys. 

The main takeaway?

Dating men and women could not be more different - hell, data shows straight and gay couples don’t even meet in the same ways - and so by dating both genders, you gain double the experience and knowledge.

You End Up Dating Similar Personalities, Regardless of Gender

Even with the unique dynamics of dating men and women, one surprising commonality emerges: 

The type of people I attract remains fairly consistent. 

They're fun, energetic, ambitious, and usually come with some baggage. 

(Forget the baggage part!). 

Yes, these traits may express themselves differently depending on the gender of the person I'm dating, but they're fundamentally the same. 

My guess is that you’ve experienced the same. 

Stats: Nobody wants to date bisexuals 

According to one study:

“Heterosexual women rated bisexual men as less sexually and romantically attractive, less desirable to date and have sex with, and less masculine compared to straight men…These results support previous research findings that indicate more negative attitudes toward dating bisexual men than bisexual women.” [5]

When I dug further, I found a survey from AdamandEve where they questioned 1,000 participants on whether they'd consider dating a bisexual person:

• 47% of respondents said no
• 35% were open to it
• The remaining 19% were unsure

Zooming into gender specifics, men were slightly more receptive—39% said they'd date a bisexual person compared to 31% of women. Meanwhile, women (23%) were more uncertain than men (15%) about entering a relationship with a bisexual individual. [6]

But it's not just heterosexuals.

Multiple studies confirm that it also surfaces among gay and lesbian individuals, even though bisexuals make up more than half of the LGBT community! [7]

Here's a bisexual woman being biphobic... A real mystery!

What is this about? 

Why is biphobia so rampant across the board?

Let’s discuss.

Dating a Bisexual Is Seen As Unfamiliar Territory

When diving into any significant life commitment—launching a startup or getting into a romantic relationship—the less risky option is generally more appealing. 

In this context, it’s not so much that people have an aversion to dating bisexuals, but rather, the unfamiliarity of bisexuality itself raises red flags. 

All things being equal, why take the risk when there are straight or gay guys available?

When you check out Google Trends, you'll notice that people search for 'Bisexual' way less than they do for 'Lesbian' or 'Gay.'

As to why bisexuals are hidden from pop culture. I don’t know. Here are some publicly bisexual celebrities: 

• Billie Joe Armstrong - Lead vocalist and guitarist for the punk rock band Green Day.
• Clive Davis - Renowned record producer and music industry executive.
• John Maynard Keynes - One of the most influential economists of the 20th century.
• Marlon Brando - Acclaimed actor known for "The Godfather" and "A Streetcar Named Desire."

Bisexual Men Seem Less Masculine 

I've talked to my female friends about dating bisexual men, and there are usually two opinions:

1. They don't want to date a bisexual guy because they think he'll act too feminine for their taste.
2. They'd love to date a bisexual man because they assume he'll care more about his looks and be more open-minded due to his supposed femininity.

Let me tell you: both of these ideas are nonsense.

Your sexual orientation doesn't determine how masculine or feminine you act. 

I'm living proof. 

I'm bisexual, and most people would describe me as fitting the "straight, masculine" mold. You'd have no idea I swing both ways if I didn't tell you.

Hell, you could claim that being attracted to men and only men is more masculine than being attracted to feminine women!

Need a role model? 

Check out Marlon Brando.

The guy was bisexual and an icon of bad-boy masculinity.

Disgust towards Bisexual Men

A while ago, I was at this gay bar, making out with a guy and enjoying the moment.

All was going well until I mentioned that I like girls as well. 

He did not react well.

He flat-out told me that he did not like bisexual men. 

It was like he had this 'Pure Gay Fantasy' and would not want to be with a guy who had been impure with a woman. 

But let's be clear: this isn't just a gay thing. 

I've faced the same issue with women I've dated (or tried to date).

Everything's smooth sailing until I mention I've dated guys, and suddenly they're grossed out.

Somehow, the fact that I've been with both men and women seems to 'adulterate' their sexual experience.

Here's an example from Sandro dealing with the same biphobia and disgust from men and women:

All ridiculous. 

"Bisexuals Aren’t Real!"

If you are a bisexual woman, people think you are straight and pretending for male attention. If you’re a bisexual man, people think you are gay and afraid to come out.

It's frustrating.

Sounds familiar?

I've even had straight girls text me after finding out I've been with guys, saying, "You're a really nice guy, but I think you're gay. Let's be friends." 

Sure, some of these stereotypes have a grain of truth, but—it's a total oversimplification.

One reason this notion sticks is because it's often easier for bisexual men to hook up with guys. But just because you're currently hooking up with men doesn't make you gay, any more than being a virgin makes you asexual.

The Cheating, Promiscuous, Polyamorous, Threesome Bisexual Stereotype 

First off, let's squash this bug: "Bisexuals can't be trusted because they'll sleep with anyone." 

Heard that one before? Yeah, me too. 

But is every gay guy after every other guy? 

Nope. (Well, mostly…)

The same logic applies to bisexuals. 

Just because we swing both ways doesn't mean we're constantly swinging every which way with every which one. 

I know many bisexuals who are monogamous. Extremely, dangerously monogamous.

(Me? I'm still figuring it out, but I'm somewhere in between.)

Still, that’s only half the equation.

Compatibility vs. Attraction: 

Sexual attraction and long-term compatibility are mutually exclusive. 

I know plenty of bisexual women who are sexually attracted to other women but would only want long-term relationships with men.

How does that help us?

Just because your partner may feel the urge to sleep with someone of another gender doesn't mean they'll leave you. For them, it could be just a purely sexual itch, not a romantic experience.

Another myth I hear is that bisexuals can never be 'fully satisfied' with their partner because no matter how much sex they have, they’ll always miss the sexual experience of being with the other gender, which their partner cannot provide no matter how much they try to be the ‘perfect partner.’ 

That's unfair and unrealistic. 

Here's why: It’s not a bisexual problem; it’s a human problem.

Say you're into fit, tall, intelligent guys or girls, but your partner is short or not Einstein. 

Is your partner supposed to live in perpetual fear you'll leave him for a big-brained, taller model? 

Ridiculous, right?

Solution:

Clear communication. 

Could you talk to your partner about your desires, boundaries, and worries? 

Please be sure to get it all out until you understand each other's expectations and limits. 

I can tell you that an open relationship works for me, but your mileage may vary. The point is to find what works for both of you.

Side note:

If you're seeing warning signs of someone incapable of loyalty, don't ignore them. Cheaters are cheaters, regardless of their sexual orientation.

Side, side note:

Got a dating story—epic, awkward, or somewhere in between?

Drop it in the comments!

We all want to hear it!

The Great HIV Scare

I haven't been through this personally, but I know some straight women are terrified to date a bisexual guy because they think they'll catch an STD, specifically HIV.

Solution? 

You guessed it: 

Open conversation and safer practices like using condoms, PreP, and regular testing.

If you're curious about the roots of this fear, check out this super well-researched video by Verilybitchie on YouTube titled Why We Hate Bi Men.

The Real Issue: It’s About Self-Esteem, Not Sexuality

After listing all those myths and stereotypes, let's get to the core of it—many people's hesitation about dating a bisexual person boils down to low self-esteem and deep-seated insecurities. They fear they're not 'enough' to keep a long-term partner satisfied, so they steer clear of any factors—including bisexuality—that they believe increase the risk of being left for someone else.

If They Like You, They Like You—Bisexual or Not.

Look, if someone's into you, the details of your sexual orientation don’t matter. 

Take the Argentinian girl I met in Prague, for example. 

Was she thrilled that I liked both men and women? Probably not. 

But did she adore me enough for it to be a non-issue? Absolutely.

(It felt good but also a bit sad. I was happy she loved me, but I wish she were cool with me being bisexual.)

Bisexuality as a Relationship Filter

Being upfront about your bisexuality can serve as an automatic "LTR compatibility test." 

Think of it this way:

“If you can’t simply accept that I’m into both genders, do I really even want to be your partner? I’m happy you didn’t message me!”

When I met my boyfriend on Grindr, I proudly displayed that I’m bisexual on my profile; he didn’t care, and he messaged me. 

The rest didn’t, and I don’t care!

Bisexual Men Can be More Open-Minded and Experienced

Anna Akana made a video about how "Dating women made me understand men." 

The same goes for me, but in reverse, “Dating men made me understand women.”

I’m sure other bisexuals can confirm, but being with both men and women has taught me openness toward sexual preferences and kinks, boosted my sexual confidence, and cultivated a deep sense of respect for my partners. 

I know first-hand what it's like to deal with unwanted advances from creepy guys. 

As a dating coach, this experience is a goldmine.

Bottom line? 

Bisexuality can make you an amazing lover.

The Bisexual Freedom from Gender Norms

The constant pressure to be the "alpha male" in your relationship is exhausting.

But bisexuals get to choose their roles. 

With women, you can top and be Mr. Dominant (unless you’re into pegging). And with guys, you can happily bottom and enjoy that aspect of your sexuality.

Or the other way around - whatever you like. 

Ying Yang. 

The Cool Factor

Being bisexual is cool, but acting on your attractions? That's next-level cool. Own it and get out there. 

Dating Other Bisexuals is Really Awesome 

LGBT dating tends to move faster toward sex, be far more open, and run on a different set of rules (maybe because they’re already outcast from mainstream society), but dating other bisexuals is even crazier better. 

It’s like we understand each other.

Take my experience dating a bisexual Brazilian in Portugal, for example. When she found out I was bi and in an open relationship with a guy, she was ecstatic. The connection was instant.

Prepare for the Bi-cycle 

It's rarely a simple 50-50 attraction split between men and women. 

One day, it might be a 75-25 tilt toward men. 

On another day, it could be 45-65 for women.

And yes, there are days where it feels like an all-out 200-200!

I once went on a date with an incredibly attractive Iranian woman. She was my type in every way: beautiful face, fantastic figure. 

But that particular night, I was 90-10 attracted to men. 

I didn’t feel anything for her. 

Long story short, it was a crazy fun date. We both kissed other guys, but it didn’t go anywhere.

Bottom line:

Sexuality is fluid and more so with bisexuals. 

Bisexuality Doesn’t Define Your LTRs

When it comes to long-term relationships, you'll find that many things fade into the background. 

Your looks, height, and, yes, even your sexual orientation. 

What matters? 

Your personality.

It’s also interesting that when you're committed to someone, people label you as "gay" or "straight" based on your partner's gender. Break up, and you're back to square one—reminding people you're bisexual as you date again.

It's a never-ending cycle of coming out!

When do you say you’re bisexual on a date

Given that being bisexual is a taboo in today's world, when should you come out to your date?

It’s not simple. 

In my Borderline Personality Disorder Dating Guide, I discuss “The 3/4 Date Rule,” that is, waiting between 3-4 dates before you disclose anything personal to avoid your potential partner making a rash judgment about you before you’ve established any chemistry. 

I’m sure you are saying,

“Well, if they don’t want to date me because I’m bisexual, then they can just GET LOST!”

Valid point.

But are they really to blame for not knowing anything about bisexuality; it's not exactly a trending topic, right?

So what do we do?

Listen to your gut, or as I like to call it, "HeartSpitzen." 

If your feelings tell you they’re open-minded, go for it on the first date.

If your feelings tell you they’re cool but need time to build chemistry, be patient and follow my 3/4 Date Rule.

Online dating as a bisexual

The same advice goes for online dating - putting bisexual on your Tinder/ Grindr profile may not be the brightest idea. 

Wait till you meet them, feel the spark, and then tell them.

Note:

If you’re looking to hook up with guys, no one (normal) cares about anything besides having a good ‘torso,’ so I wouldn’t worry about it then. 

Join Bisexual Community Online

I’ve learned much by joining the bisexual Reddit communities. You don’t just gain advice; you also learn from their stories. 

Don’t Be “A Bisexual,” Just Be Bisexual

Take Hank Green, for example. 

The guy casually drops he's bi on X/Twitter like it's nothing. 

Why? 

Because Hank is much, much more than just his sexual orientation.

Nobody enjoys hanging around the "one-trick pony" who can only talk about, let's say, their motorcycle adventures (I am guilty of this), weightlifting (a little guilty here, too), or their guitar skills (I'm not good enough at guitar). 

Being bisexual is a part of you, not your whole identity.

P.S. 

If you really want to show that you're proud to be bisexual, wear a cool yet subtly bisexual bracelet like the one I have:

Prioritize Your Safety

Lastly, let's remember your health and safety. 

Don't mess around with STDs. Ignorance isn't bliss here. Visit your healthcare provider, ask all the necessary questions, and keep the dialogue open. 

Remember, there's zero shame in making sure you're protected. 

Keep it safe so you can keep it fun.

Also, click on the thumbnail below to read my super awesome guide to meeting your first gay boyfriend:

Summary

In summary, dating a bisexual man was tough at the beginning. Being bisexual forced me to learn to accept my sexuality and to love myself. But once I got there, dating became fun! I love my boyfriend, my open relationship, and all the freedoms my sexuality has given me. Plus, it's made me a better dating coach. 

Be sure to comment below to share any advice or crazy dating stories you may have.

Till next time, 

Coach Colt

Resources

[1] Wendy B. Bostwick et al., “Dimensions of Sexual Orientation and the Prevalence of Mood and Anxiety Disorders in the United States,” American Journal of Public Health 100, no. 3 (2010): 468-475, doi:10.2105/AJPH.2008.152942.

[2] Laura Kann, et al. 2011. “Sexual Identity, Sex of Sexual Contacts, and Health-Risk Behaviors among Students in Grades 9-12: Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance, Selected Sites, United States, 2001-2009.” Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report Early Release 60: 1 -133. http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/pdf/ss/ss60e0606.pdf.

[3] “R/Bisexual - How Bad Is Dating as a Bisexual Male?” Reddit, 2015, www.reddit.com/r/bisexual/comments/16b4my5/how_bad_is_dating_as_a_bisexual_male/. Accessed 1 Nov. 2023.

[4] Wu, Ashley, et al. “Predictors of Bisexual Individuals’ Dating Decisions.” ResearchGate, Springer Nature, June 2020, www.researchgate.net/publication/335765000_Predictors_of_Bisexual_Individuals’_Dating_Decisions. Accessed 1 Nov. 2023.

[5] Gleason, N., Vencill, J. A., & Sprankle, E. (2018). Swipe left on the bi guys: Examining attitudes toward dating and being sexual with bisexual individuals. Journal of Bisexuality, 18(4), 516–534. https://doi.org/10.1080/15299716.2018.1563935

[6] Eve, Adam. “Adamandeve.com Asks: Would You Be Open to Dating Someone Who Is Bisexual?” Prnewswire.com, 6 Sept. 2016, www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/adamandevecom-asks-would-you-be-open-to-dating-someone-who-is-bisexual-300322894.html. Accessed 1 Nov. 2023.

[7] Tangela S. Roberts, Sharon G. Horne & William T. Hoyt (2015) Between a Gay and a Straight Place: Bisexual Individuals’ Experiences with Monosexism, Journal of Bisexuality, 15:4, 554-569, DOI: 10.1080/15299716.2015.1111183