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16 steps to start a conversation with a girl with examples

To get good at starting conversations with girls you don’t need to:

  1. Learn weird PUA techniques
  2. Get drunk
  3. Spend 1000’s of dollars of seminars or workshops

Because in this article you’ll learn the 16 steps to start a conversation with any girl you like without experiencing any brain farts!

1. Start each conversation with the right mindset

The best conversations start with the following 3 mindsets and beliefs:

Believe that you’re worth having a being talked to

You don’t need good looks, money or big muscles to have a good conversation.

What you need is calm confidence. 

having a conversation with a girl

Calm confidence comes from believing in your social skills.

If you do not believe that girls like talking to you, you will automatically sabotage each conversation with repulsive behaviors. [1]

However, if you believe that girls enjoy spending time with you, you will automatically seem likeable even if you don’t have the coolest lines.

See rejection as optimization data

One of the most important attitudes is knowing that every rejection is nothing more than optimization data.

In other words, every rejection is just there to tell you what doesn’t work and not that you don’t work.

Once you internalize this mindset you’ll never take rejection personally again and women will sense a whole new level of confidence in you.

Want to see a perfect example of this? Watch Sasha Daygame in the following video:

Just do it!

Even with all the right mindsets, you’ll always feel some fear before every conversation, so here’s what you need to do:

When you find an attractive girl you want to talk to, count 1-2-3 and then DO IT!

The more you procrastinate, the more your brain will come up with all sorts of crazy ways the interaction can go wrong.

Don’t give your brain a chance to freak you out! 

When you see a girl you like, just do it!

2. Take the environment into consideration

This is not about having an online conversation, this is about you talking face to face with a pretty girl you (possibly) don’t know!

So in order to have a successful in-person conversation, you need calibrate yourself to the environment you’re in:

Starting a conversation at school

At school, the first thing you want to consider is if she’s embarrassed to be seen with you. 

You’d be surprised, but a lot of girls feel pressure from their friends whenever a guy approaches them!

It might help to start talking when she’s not around her friends.

Starting a conversation at class

Class isn’t the best place for a romantic conversation, but I guess it works if the teacher doesn’t care.

(Although I must say, love notes have their place!)

Starting a conversation at library

Obviously, talk in a lower voice, but talk clearly enough so that she can hear you.

Try not to drag it on for too long, just talk for enough time so that you can get her number and set a date.

Starting a conversation at the gym

To make things easy for yourself, only approach her once she’s done her set or taking a break, but otherwise, talking to girls at the gym isn’t that different.

starting a conversation at a gym

Starting a conversation at party/ bar

If you’re going to a party and you know that you want to chat with some girls, bring some friends along! 

Bringing your “bros” along is the easier way to show girls that you’re not some lonely-loser which will make them way more receptive to you.

Additionally, parties are not the time to be shy or introverted.

If you want to get a girls attention, you need to approach her and get her to notice you.

Let your inner extrovert come out, otherwise you’ll be ignored and you definitely won’t get laid.

starting a conversation at a party

3. Pay attention to her body language 

Let’s remind ourselves: 

This is not Snapchat, Facebook or Tinder, this is face-to-face so another thing you must consider is her body language:

Let’s start with the signs that a girl wants you to start a conversation with her:

  1. Exposing her neck
  2. Leaning towards you
  3. Looking at you
  4. Touching you
  5. Smiling with a slight blush
  6. Showing cleavage 
  7. Playing with hair 
  8. Raised eyebrows

To get a better picture of the situation, here are some questions you should ask yourself:

  1. Is she in a rush?
  2. What type of mood does she seem to be in?
  3. Is she wearing a ring?
  4. What type of girl does she seem like? Shy? 
  5. Is she alone?
  6. Is she getting into her car?

Whatever the situation is, calibrate yourself and go for it! (Unless she’s wearing a ring.)

4. Pre-frame the conversation

Before you introduce yourself, always pre-frame the conversation by saying something like this:

good conversation starters with a girl 

  1. Sorry to bother you, but I was walking on the other side of the street and I had to come tell you that [compliment]
  2. Sorry to bother you, but you look so lonely, I’m sure you wouldn’t mind some awkward company [wink, smile]
  3. This is going to sound crazy, but…”
  4. Hey, I’m not a salesman but I needed to tell you that [compliment]
  5. I know this is random, but…

What’s the point of pre-framing a conversation? 

It’s actually quite simple: 

Because she doesn’t know who you are, the first couple words that come out of your mouth will fly right over her head!

By pre-framing the conversation, you give her a chance to see who you are, why you approached her and listen to what you have to say.

5. Start with The Compliment-Question Technique 

Now that we’ve set a strong foundation, let’s start with my favorite method: The Compliment-Question Technique and here’s how it works:

  • Start with a Compliment, e.g. “Wow, your hair is gorgeous!”
  • And finish off with a question, e.g. “How is [your hair] so shiny and natural looking?”

This accomplishes several things:

  1. You’re giving her a compliment which is great for building rapport
  2. You’re avoiding the friend zone by telling her that you’re sexually attracted to her
  3. You’re finishing up with a question (“How is your hair so shiny and natural looking?”) so that the conversation doesn’t get awkward after your compliment 
  4. You’re showing interest in her by asking a question about herself which will flatter her 

Now let’s bundle everything together (pre-frame, compliment and question) and see how it looks:

I know this is random, but wow, your hair is gorgeous! How is your hair so shiny and natural looking?

This technique will rarely fail on any girl.

However, if she doesn’t respond, just let her go. 

It’s OK, not every girl needs to like you and who knows? Maybe she’s just having a bad day.

6. Examples of conversation starters

Before we get into the meat and potatoes of continuing conversations, let me give you the full list of conversation starters (works with girlfriends too):

  1. I know this is random, but wow, your hair is gorgeous! How is your hair so shiny and natural looking?
  2. Sorry to bother you, but I was walking on the other side of the street and I had to come tell you that your dress looks perfect on you, where did you get your sense of style from?
  3. This is going to sound crazy, but you’re the cutest girl I’ve seen all day! Where did you get that bottle of cuteness? Or maybe it’s your light blue eyes…
  4. Hey, I’m not a salesman but I needed to tell you that you look amazing, do you workout everyday?
  5. I know this is random, but you’re glowing, how are you so stunning?
  6. I don’t mean to scare you, but your red dress is so damn perfect for this sunny day! How do you always know what to wear?

It’s the same pattern: pre-frame, compliment and then question. Easy! 

7. Use assumptions to initiate a conversation

So here’s what you’ve done already:

  1. You got the best “conversational mindsets”
  2. You took the environment and her body language into consideration
  3. You opened up with a pre-frame — “Sorry to bother you, but I was walking on the other side of the street and I had to come tell you that…”
  4. You then continued with the Compliment-Question Technique — “…your hair is just stunning, how is it so shiny and natural looking”

At this point, the girl should be telling you all about her hair care routine (washing, cleaning, dying, combing, etc.).

However, you can tell that she’s running out of things to talk about, so how can you continue the conversation?

Use assumptions. 

What are assumptions? 

You assume something about the girl (e.g. “you look like an adventurous girl”) and let her fill in with her story (e.g. “funny that you say that because last summer, my family went on a trip to the Rockies…”).

If you use assumptions correctly, girls will respond with a story of their own which is gonna make the conversation lots of fun instead of responding with yes or no.

Let’s learn about the 3 types of assumptions: True, not true and funny:

The true assumption

The true assumption is about assuming something that you think is true about the girl, for example:

  1. You look like an adventurous girl
  2. When I look at you I see someone that likes to travel
  3. I’m sure you’re the type of girl that likes to be out in nature
  4. I bet you have a cool job
  5. I guess you’re the type of girl that likes cooking

And 99 percent of the time, she’ll respond with her own story.

The “not true” assumption

This type of assumption is exactly what it sounds like: assume something that you think isn’t true about her:

  1. You don’t look like someone that wants to be a lawyer
  2. You look like a girl that hates rules and boredom
  3. I’m pretty sure you’re not one of those party girls
  4. OK, you’re Russian, please don’t tell me you’re the unromantic type!

And the best part is that you can’t go wrong!

If she’s actually a very romantic Russian girl, she’ll tell you all about how romantic she really is by sharing a whole bunch of stories.

Isn’t that even better?!

The funny assumption

The last type of assumption is called “the funny assumption” and the goal is to assume something so ridiculous and funny that you make her laugh, for example:

  1. You look like you’re from Jamaica (to a polish, white girl)
  2. You look really dangerous, I’m a bit scared to talk to you (to a really short girl)
  3. I am totally confused, I thought only boring girls wear [brand name] shoes 
  4. You look like you just finished studying 37 hours straight for a college exam
  5. I could totally see you as a professional dancer (if she’s carrying 3 fat textbooks)

Assumptions are the core of any conversation so to learn more about them read The Rise of The Phoenix – How to Get The Hottest Girls in a World That Wants You to Fail by Sebastian Harris.

8. Use silence within conversations

Even the top conversationalists will have moments of silence throughout their conversations and what I want you to know is that it’s OK!

And the truth is that silence is not only OK, it’s seductive!

Why?

By maintaining moments of silence, you’re showing the girl that you don’t even care if the conversation dies which is a seriously powerful way of displaying sexy confidence.

So how can you maintain silence during a conversation with a hot girl?

  1. Don’t use filler words
  2. Don’t switch topics quickly in the fear that you’ll run out of things to talk about
  3. After you compliment a girl, be silent for a couple of seconds instead of jumping to something else

Obviously, just like any other skill, this will take hard work and consistent practice to cultivate, but it’s well worth it!

9. Speak clearly 

One of my biggest failures in my early years of learning day-game was talking in a super rushed manner.

Every time I talked quickly I made myself look like some unconfident loser talking to a girl for the first time!

I don’t want you to make the same mistake I did, so here are some tips to talk in a sexy, clear voice:

  1. Pause after each sentence
  2. Pronounce each word clearly
  3. Don’t talk too loudly or quietly
  4. Don’t talk too high pitched 
  5. Talk at a confident pace
  6. Get rid of your nasal voice by talking from your diaphragm 
  7. Breathe while talking 

Here are some exercises you can do before each conversation to practice your perfect clear voice:

  1. Listen to a recording of yourself talking in a calm manner v.s. rushed manner and remind yourself how important it is to speak clearly
  2. Read books out loud
  3. Practice public speaking
  4. Ask yourself why you have the need to talk so quickly and 99% of the time the answer will be because you don’t believe you’re worth being listened to — change that belief!

Bottom line:

Talking in a clear, calm voice mixed in with deliberate moments of silence is how you display the cocky confidence that gets girls soaking wet.

confidence is crucial to any conversation

10. Build trust throughout the conversation

Using Compliment-Question Technique and assumptions are great, but you’re still lacking the most important ingredient:

Trust!

If you do not build trust throughout the conversation, you will not get her number, set a date or sleep with her.

On the other hand, the more trust you build, that faster she’ll be willing to sexually escalate with you!

Here are the 4 things you need to do during a conversation to get a girl to trust you:

#1 Touch her

There are multiple studies that prove a warm touch is the best way to develop trust because it makes the body release a hormone called oxytocin which makes you feel love, warmth and well being. [2, 3, 4]

Here’s how to touch a girl during a conversation without creeping her out:

  1. Shake her hand for at least 3 seconds 
  2. Hug her well
  3. Pat on the back or on her stomach (only if she’s seems comfortable with it)
  4. Give her a quick massage because “you’re so stressed”
  5. Caress her hand while “checking out” necklace or bracelet
  6. Push her away/ pull her towards you in a playful way
  7. When she says something funny, give her a friendly pat on the shoulder [5]
  8. Play with her hair when you compliment it (only do this much later in the conversation)

Use these tips in moderation and let her have her space because you definitely don’t want to become the “close talker”… 

#2 Imitate her 

Oscar Wilde famously said “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” and he was 100% right! 

The best way to flatter a girl and gain her trust is by imitating her, for example:

  1. Imitate her body language 
  2. Imitate her facial expressions
  3. Imitate her last words
  4. Imitate her ideas and beliefs 

Just mirror her enough so that she feels a sense of familiarity, but no more, otherwise she’ll get creeped out and you won’t seem natural.

Here’s Tony Robbins talking more about this:

#3 Look at her in the eye

Just like the previous 2 techniques, maintaining eye contact is another powerful way to build trust. [6, 7]

But obviously, I don’t want anyone staring at a girl like an alien for the sake of eye contact! 

So here’s what I want you to do:

  1. Maintain warmth in your eyes by keeping your eyes relaxed
  2. Break whenever it gets awkward, but don’t seem scared
  3. If you need to break eye constant don’t look down, always look to the side
  4. Look into one of her eyes (she can’t tell the different anyways)
  5. Look at her iris, it’s a lot cooler than you think [8]
  6. Maintain for at least 2-3 seconds depending on the situation (much harder than you think)

Just follow these simple rules and getting her number after each conversation will be easier than ever!

#4 Maintain open body language 

When most guys think about body language in terms of attracting women, they think of alpha male, intense body language. 

However, that is not the type of body language you should be looking for (especially if this the first time you’re talking to this girl).

The type of body language you want is called open body language.

It’s the type of body language that shows your relaxed attitude and tells her that you have nothing to hide.

Here are some examples of open body language:

  1. Letting your entire body face them (even your feet)
  2. Not flinching, twisting or any sudden movements
  3. Not playing with hands
  4. Not playing with things in your hands (e.g. pens, paper)
  5. Not continuously fixing your clothing
  6. Not covering any vulnerable area with your hands (neck, wrists, face, head)
  7. Having a relaxed posture
  8. Not shuffling your feet

As long as you’re conveying your inner peace, you’re doing it right and she’s gonna have a much easier time trusting you.

11. Talk about what you have in common

While speaking to a girl, don’t talk about what makes you different, for example:

  1. Religion (e.g. So what religion are you part of? Jewish? I’ve been a devoted Catholic my entire life!)
  2. Political views (e.g. I’m a lifelong Republican, never thought I’d meet such a pretty Democrat)
  3. Childhoods (e.g. Oh’ you grew up rich, well I grew up poor…)

Besides, these topics are usually filled with negative emotions like hate, anger and jealousy.

So here’s my advice: bring up the best conversational topics and talk about what you have in common, for example:

  1. Favorite movies
  2. Scariest moments in your lives
  3. Talents/ hobbies
  4. Favorite food
  5. Etc. 

The truth is that no matter who you are or where you come from, there’s always something that you have in common.

But what if you can’t find something you have in common? Joke about it

You watch YouTube too? Gosh, we must be soul mates! Wait, what? Also Netflix?! When are we getting married?

Bottom line: 

There’s no reason to make any conversation negative or awkward when there are so many things you already have in common!

12. Let her talk about herself

There are several reasons why you must make the conversation about the girl and not you:

  1. Everyone loves talking about themselves
  2. You get to give her validation for her accomplishments 
  3. You seem more mysterious because you get to talk less about yourself 
  4. You seem confident because you don’t need to talk about yourself

Make sure your girl talks about everything in her life:

  1. Hobbies
  2. School
  3. Friends
  4. Trips
  5. Family
  6. Accomplishments
  7. Etc.

But most importantly, while she’s sharing her life’s story, show her how impressed and amazed you are so that she truly feels flattered. 

Side note:

Don’t make the mistake of only talking about her as that will seem super unnatural. Talking about yourself is fine, just don’t make yourself the focus.

And if you’re not sure, just do whatever feels natural so that you never end up like webb in the following video:

13. Ask the right questions 

Here are the type of questions you don’t want to ask:

  1. Do you like to travel?
  2. What do you study?
  3. Do you have fun at your job?

The problem with these types of questions is that their close ended questions that can be answered with a quick yes/no…

Instead you want to find the best open ended question so that the conversation never gets boring:

  1. What’s your workout routine?
  2. What’s the story behind the car you own now?
  3. How did you decide to become a lawyer?

You can also get her to laugh by asking goofy questions (these work especially well for first dates):

  1. Peppers or carrots? This ones a deal breaker…
  2. When are we gonna start a family?
  3. When should I declare war?
  4. Would you be OK if my mom joined us for our first date? (JK!!!)
  5. When are we gonna get married? What’s taking you so long to think about it?

Now as you progress, you can have make the conversation a bit deeper by asking these types of questions:

  1. What makes you cry?
  2. What makes you laugh?
  3. Who was your childhood crush?
  4. What do you hate about yourself the most

Of course, if you need any other examples, make sure you read my full list of 201 questions for a first date.

14. Include teasing throughout the conversation

I’m gonna tell you something that you might not want to hear, but it’ll change your life if you follow it:

Talk to your girls like she’s your little sister, here’s what I mean:

  1. She complains, you don’t take her seriously
  2. She’s crying, hold her hand to comfort her and don’t try to solve her problems
  3. She’s being rude to you, just tell her that until she’s ready to act appropriately, she needs to leave you alone

But the most important thing you can do is tease her!

Read my article about seduction to get some solid examples of teasing girls, but here are the basic rules:

  1. Only tease her about things she won’t take personally 
  2. Don’t tease her too often otherwise she’ll think you’re a goofball
  3. Balance is key so tease yourself with self-deprecating jokes too 

And by the way, when you tease her, she’ll tease you back which will only raise the sexual tension and get her to like you!

15. Make her qualify herself

Always use qualification before you end any conversation with a girl.

What does qualification mean?

It’s getting a girl to show you how she meets your standards i.e. she’s qualifying herself to your standards.

Here are some examples:

  1. I hope you are not the type of girl that spends all her money getting her nails done…
  2. I love working out, what do you do to look good?
  3. You look like the fun type of girl, although all of them say they are, what do you do that’s fun?
  4. Do you do anything in your life besides sitting around looking hot?
  5. So you are just looking to break someone else’s heart, am I right?
  6. So I guess your best friends would also call you boring…
  7. Do you ever know when to shut your mouth? You’re not always this way, right?
  8. Your acting like you didn’t get enough sleep last night
  9. I didn’t know you ate this type of junk food, I hope you are not the type of girl that doesn’t care about fitness
  10. You don’t have much respect for people, do you?
  11. I’ve just been to France, do you like to travel?

Let’s take #11 as our prime example:

When you say “I’ve just been to France, do you like to travel?” what you really mean is that you only like girls that enjoy traveling and if she doesn’t like traveling, you can’t be together.

At this point, she’ll qualify herself by saying something like this:

  1. Oh’ I love traveling, I’m actually planning a trip to the US
  2. Do I like to travel? I love to travel!!
  3. No way! I was in Paris just last month!

Now that you understand what qualification is, here’s why qualification is so important:

Qualification shows a girl that you’re an alpha male because now she knows that if she doesn’t meet your standards (i.e. being a girl that enjoys traveling) you’ll let her go without batting an eyelash. 

Qualification also shows a girl that you have options, you’re a high value man and that you’re experienced with women — which only makes her more attracted to you!

16. Closing the conversation 

Now we come to the end of the conversation… 

What are you supposed to do now?

Get an instant date

Instant dates are the best: you approach a girl on the street and after talking for 5-10 minutes you head over to Starbucks for an instant date.

This will make it much easier to build rapport, get her number and even kiss her.

However, this doesn’t always work and in that case, follow the next 3 steps:

End the conversation on a high note 

Don’t wait for the conversation to die before you get her number!

Instead, get her number while there’s lots of interesting stuff to talk about by saying something like this:

  1. You’re a really fun girl, but let’s meet up later because right now I’ve got a project to finish
  2. I need to take a phone, but you must be the cutest girl in the city so how about we grab a coffee later?
  3. I need to go workout soon, but why don’t we continue this over a nice cup of coffee at Starbucks lunchtime?

Because you’re ending off on a high note, she’ll remember you as a super interesting guy that has great conversational skills.

Additionally, as you’re cutting the conversation short, you’re showing a deep confidence because she sees that you don’t need her as someone to talk to.

Get a hug

Just like you wanted to touch her at the start of the conversation, you also want to touch her at the end and here’s how:

Hug her

Why? 

  1. Hugs are easy to get (unlike kisses)
  2. The chances of ghosting you are radically lower
  3. She’ll actually remember you

If you need more help with this, read my full guide to hugging girls.

Get her number

If she offers her Facebook or Instagram – don’t take it!

You don’t want to be part of the thousands of guys trying to get her attention over social media.

You want to stand out and that’s why you must get her number.

Here’s what you can say:

  1. [hand you phone to her] let’s hang out later
  2. [looking at your phone] what’s your phone number?
  3. You’re a pretty girl, let’s meet up tomorrow, what’s your number?

It’s that simple, and once you get her number just say bye and leave!

Summary:

You’ve just learnt everything you need to know about starting conversations with girls, but in order to get really good, you need to take action.

So here’s what I need you to do:

  1. Re-read this post and take notes
  2. Approach 3 girls on a daily basis and try to start a conversation 

With consistent action, nothing can stop you from becoming a deadly seducer!

Good luck, 

Colt Smith

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