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Here’s what I *won’t* do in this guide: repeat the same useless, unoriginal platitudes which every blog seems to love “be confident, smile and flirt!”

bad advice on approaching guys

Sometimes I wonder if the people writing these articles have ever been on a date

If you’ve been following me for a while you know how much I detest this kind of ridiculous advice. 

On DatingAmory.com I put everything I got into each guide and avoid any fluff.

Take this guide as an example. It’s taken me several days just to do the necessary research and put together an outline. Only now am I starting to write it up!

So what can you expect from the 9,000+ word guide on approaching men?

  1. 1
    How to become more approachable 
  2. 2
    How to get guys to approach you
  3. 3
    How to indirectly approach guys 
  4. 4
    How to directly approach guys
  5. 5
    How to deal with specific venues and environments (school, bars, gym, work)
  6. 6
    How to troubleshoot if you aren’t succeeding

However, the are 2 topics you will not see dealt with here:

  • How to become more attractive: this ‘step’ comes before getting guys to approach you and is dealt with in a separate monster guide
  • How to talk to guys: this step comes after your approach and requires a separate guide which I have yet to put together (Lord knows when)

This is gonna be a long one… strap your seatbelts!

Table of Contents

1. Should I approach a guy?

The moment you think about approaching men, about 1001 reasons spring up as to why you shouldn’t take the initiative:

  1. If he’s too scared to approach me, I don’t want him
  2. It’s a man’s job to approach me
  3. I don’t want bother a guy by interrupting him with my approach
  4. I am scared of rejection
  5. I don’t want to appear like a slut
  6. I don’t want to appear needy

And while many of these reasons are legit, let’s go through each of them to present a new, more realistic perspective:

  1. Maybe he’s spent the whole afternoon approaching girls and now he needs some time off?
  2. Maybe he is too scared to approach you in public, but does that mean you have to define him as a loser? Society has told men for the last couple of decades that approaching women in public is rude and borderline sexual harassment. 
  3. Approaching men doesn’t need to be in the same dominant, masculine, front stop style approach. As you’ll soon learn, there are many, many feminine ways to approach a guy.
  4. The reason why there are 10’s of pickup artist textbooks for men and almost none for women is because it’s much easier for women to approach men than it is for men to approach women
  5. For many women approaching men in real life (and online dating) is the only way to meet men due to personal circumstances (too much school, work). Some women have no time to spend hours at a bar/ club waiting for a guy to approach them.
  6. Approaching men gives you the ability to choose exactly what man you want: just pick the one you like and approach!
  7. While I agree that approaching guys will absolutely lead to rejections (even the best male pickup artists have a 1/20 success rate), you can always avoid that part and focus on getting guys on approaching you with flirting and other tactics
  8. While approaching is definitely not a women's traditional role, getting a guy to approach you by ‘dropping the handkerchief’ absolutely is
  9. Lastly, if you think you’re bothering a guy by approaching him and telling him that he looks cute, my-oh-my are you wrong. As you’ll see in the next piece, guys love being approached. (And what if he’s busy at work or at the gym? Well we got solid advice for those situations too!)

2. Guys love being approached 

Most guys would date a rock if it approached them first
Most guys would date a rock if it approached them first

You really have nothing to worry about bothering a guy by approaching him. Again, it’s why there aren’t many pickup guides for women - women don’t need those techniques!

And by the way, when you approach him while he’s at a bar with his male friends he’ll only get a bigger ego boost from all his impressed friends - talk about what men want. Unlike for men, group sets are easier for women!

3. Not all techniques work everywhere

You don’t approach guys you know like guys you’ve never met before.

You don’t approach guys at work like you approach guys at the gym.

4. Most guys won’t understand your advances 

Mostly due to insecurity (“I won’t make my move until I’m 100% sure she likes me”), but also shock (99% of guys almost never get approached), most guys won’t realize that you’re interested when you first approach. 

The solution is get in front of your man and yell: “My boobs are awesome. No, seriously, feel this.”

"It’s ok, I will pick up for you” or “No problem, I'll turn around"

OK, maybe not that, but the idea is to be as overt as possible without appearing slutty, don’t let his stupidity get in your way!

Side note:

If there are any noticeable issues that would crop up from thinking you’re hitting on him, call it out early on. Example, if he’s 10+ years older than you, mention your age and that you’ve dated guys much older than him to put his mind to ease.

5. Any Reply Is A Good Reply

Coming off what we just said, because guys are so startled when a girl first approaches them, their first response may be to shut down or seem uninterested. 

So, if your man’s first response is “thanks” (to your compliment), take it as a green light and keep going. On the off chance that he’s actually not interested, he’ll let you know mid-conversation (“I’m not dating now” or “I have a girlfriend/ wife”) and you’ll part ways without any drama.

6. Approaching A Guy For A One Night Stand Vs Marriage 

Before you make any moves, you need to set a goal. What do you want from the approach: long term relationship/ marriage or a one night stand?

Adjust your strategy for your end goal. 

7. Seem approachable 

Seeming approachable is the first step in getting any guy to approach you:

1. Uninstall BitchFace.exe

“Where have all the good men gone?”

If you’ve been through some bad experiences, let them go - I know this sounds like r/thanksimcured, but looking traumatized isn’t gonna help you. [1]

2. Don’t seem overly stressed or busy

“I can’t believe no one approaches me”

Have a relaxed posture. Don’t seem glued to your screen.

3. Don’t force a smile

If it doesn't come naturally, don't do it

A forced smile does nothing to improve your attractiveness, and only tells the guy that you are awkward. 

forcing a smile makes you less approachable

Some old footage of me approaching women for the first time. 

Instead, show your vulnerability as discussed above. Here’s a good example of a cute-nervous-flirty smile:

8. Close the distance

Close the distance. 

Repeat that 5 times. 

Major key. If he can’t see you, how is supposed to notice you or reach you?!

Here are some examples on how to apply this principle:

1. Closing the distance on the street

While walking on the street, you notice an attractive guy walking in your direction (or coming up from behind) slow down and try walking as close as possible without being weird.

2. Closing the distance at the bar

We have a whole section coming up dedicated to bar approaches, but for now consider this: if you see a guy ordering a drink, while not close the distance and order a drink beside him?

3. Closing the distance in a store

No surprises here: you’re at a store or the local coffee shop and what do you know? Both of you are interested in buying the same thing and get in line together… It’s almost like God put you two together!

9. Go Where The Type Of Men You Like Work

While this tip has more to do with meeting men, I’ll include it here because it can help you get approached by the men you like:

  1. If you like men who work with trucks, get a job working in a big rig shop.
  2. If you like men who work with kids, volunteer at a hospital.
  3. If you like Godly men, visit your church - I know this example has been overused, but forgive me oh’ Lord 😉
  4. If you like men who work with animals, volunteer at an equestrian farm or a ranch (I suggested equestrian horses are expensive so he'll likely be more financially stable).
  5. If you like strong men, go to your local gym.

You get the idea

10. Don’t Seem Crazy Hot

Dressing well in a way to stand out is a good idea to get guys to notice you, plus if you're wearing something interesting or unique, it can help to strike up a conversation. 

However, if you dress crazy hot, guys will feel super intimidated (and horny) and won’t dare approach you. 

Look for that happy medium point.

11. Don’t Go Out With Male Friends 

There are 2 major problems with going out with male friends:

  1. Guys will assume that you’re married
  2. Guys will assume that even if you’re single, the whole bunch of guys surrounding you are already trying to become your boyfriend

So, avoid bringing any male friends and instead go out with a female wing as we shall discuss.

12. Don’t Hang Out In A Large Group of Girls

Credit to TheRulesRevisited for this tip and the next one. Although the creator of the blog, Andrew, has stopped writing on his blog for 6 years now, he has some dope content dating back to 2010-14.

There are a couple reasons not to go out with a big group of girls if you want guys to approach you:

  1. While having a wing is a good thing, going out with 10 girls will intimidate any guy thinking of approaching you. 
  2. Guys won’t want to approach you with friends because you’ll seem like you’re having such a great time and interrupting you would be socially uncalibrated (that’s why seeming just a tad bit bored can help!)
  3. Besides for being more intimidating to approach you, it also requires a lot more skill to entertain a whole group of girls with pulling off a successful pickup attempt 
  4. Any guy brave and skillful enough to approach you will have to deal with all your jealous, cockblocking girlfriends (it’s only natural for them to be jealous - who doesn’t want a hot guy to approach them?) which will only make things more difficult for your man.

Solution? Try to split up your big group into 2, go off on your own for a little bit, or 3 and tell your friends ahead of time not to sabotage any guy who approaches you.

P.S.

I know The Cheerleader Effect is real, but just because your girlfriends may make you seem prettier, doesn’t mean you’ll seem less intimidating or be the one to be approached. 

13. Don’t Go Out With Girls That Are Significantly Hotter Than You

The title says it all. 

If you’re hanging out with girls hotter than you (by several 'points'), why would any guy go for a worse deal? And by extension, don’t go to the bar where all the supermodels frequent.

On the other hand, you can use this principle to make yourself seem attractive or become “the contextual female alpha” by intentionally going out with less attractive women, therefore making you the obvious choice to any man looking to approach women. [2, 3]

14. Flirty eye contact

Doesn’t matter if you don’t know him.

Doesn’t matter if you’re shy and don’t want to look desperate.

Doesn’t matter if he likes you too or only you like him.

Flirty eye contact is the ultimate way to get guys to approach you.

Disclaimer: while this guide isn’t about flirting, I do have a complete guide to flirting with guys. The following is a compressed version without many visual aids. 

Make an inviting eye contact

Don’t just stare at him out of curiosity (although that can work). You want to show interest. You want to show him - by communicating with your eyes - that you want him to approach you.

Focus on projecting warmth, interest and a bit of “I know that you know that I know” look in your eyes.

Hold eye contact

At least 2 seconds

It will seem like forever, but you gotta hold on. 

When to eye fuck him

Eye fuck him if you’re looking for a one night stand (otherwise, leave it for the first or second date).

Remember the rule? Be more sexual at first when looking for quick sex, be less sexual at first when looking for a long term relationship.

Look at his mouth too

If looking into his eyes is too much, look at his lips and imagine kissing him, he’ll feel it.

Break off eye contact

After a second or two of eye contact, break off. Eye contact is very powerful and you don’t have to overdo it.

It’s often recommended that when you break off eye contact you look down to show submission, but I don’t know how much of a difference it actually makes. However, I wouldn’t recommend you look over him or above his eyebrows (can signal dominance). 

Look back flirtatiously

Now that you’ve broken eye contact for a brief moment and you’re looking down, now’s the time you look back flirtatiously and reel him in:

  1. Pull your chin down just a little in a very submissive, vulnerable way
  2. Then look up through your eyelashes 
  3. Blink a couple times 'shyly'
  4. Make eye contact and communicate the same message with your eyes: projecting warmth, interest and a bit of “I know that you know that I know” and "chase me" look in your eyes.
  5. Try communicating the same message with your smile. Blushing helps!
  6. Giggle nervously 
  7. Then pull your eyes back down slowly, as if reluctant to look at something else. 
Flirt with your eyes like this to get a guy to approach you

Clearly, this a more shy version of what is described above, but can work just as well. Remember, for guys, vulnerability, inexperience and shyness is attractive. 

Repeat

Remember: guys are stupid.

You gotta repeat this (and include the upcoming techniques) until he gets the message. 

The reason I recommend flirty eye contact as your number one move is because it’s the ultimate Indicator of Interest (IOI), you’re just inviting him to approach you (feminine) and once he does, you don’t have to do anything.

 He opens you (masculine), makes conversation and gets your number or takes you on an instant date!

15. Stolen glances

If you’re a shy girl and all of this flirty eye contact is too much for you, stolen glances are your next best option. Just try to look at him for as long as you can.

16. Use the “we know what’s going on” look

Something weird happens at the grocery store - maybe someone crazy starts acting up - look at him like you both know what is going on and are having a shared experience. 

17. Turn your body towards him

Besides seeming open, you gotta actually face him with your whole body (shoulder, chest, legs, head). He’s gotta know all your flirting is directed to him so he knows to approach you. 

18. Dangle your shoe

Here’s another flirting technique I mention in my guide to flirting with girls: dangle your shoe in his direction paired with a wink or flirty eye contact. 

  1. Make sure you’re wearing footwear that you can dangle 
  2. Find a place to sit beside each other or wherever he can see your feet (think: small coffee shop tables)
  3. Place one leg over the other and let it hang there freely
  4. Loosen the heel of the foot that’s hanging and let the shoe rock back and forth almost hypnotically

Do not try this technique too often, otherwise he’ll think it’s just some nervous tick and not that you’re flirting or excited to see him.

19. Play with your hair

There’s an endless list of ways to flirt with your hair to gain his attention:

Use your hair to get a guy to approach you

Marilyn Monroe, the absolute Queen of flirting

  1. Twisting your hair 
  2. The Tousal Technique
  3. Flipping your hair front to back
  4. The up and down technique
  5. The ponytail technique
Play with your hair to get a guy to approach you

For a detailed explanation to each of these, read my guide to flirting with your man

20. Giggle

On a surface level, giggling with your friends while you're having a good time to appear like you're a fun girly girl can work to get his interest. 

However most guys will take this negatively. Most guys will believe that you are laughing at them! So while I’m not advising against this move, tread with caution. 

21. Use The Flirtatious Straw Technique

Another technique from The Big Book (Or Guide) To Flirting: while you're at the coffee shop or at the bar, play with your straw mixed with some flirtatious eye contact to get him to approach you.

22. Play with your lips

Unless you down for a quick one night stand, don’t go too hard with your lips and definitely don’t do this:

Instead, play with your lips - a little bit of biting, licking, and pulling should be more than enough.

This is great move if you don’t really know who he is and you’re super shy because it doesn’t require any contact or even saying anything and many guys will get the massage! 

23. Play with your necklace 

Oh’ whoops, looks like I put it on wrong. Ucchhh. Now I need to take my necklace off. Move my hair around and try alllll over again. I realllllly hope that hot guy over there doesn’t look. I mean, really this is suuuuper embarrassing.
Play with your necklace to get guys to approach you

24. Drop something

The classic dropping the handkerchief move. 

You drop your ___.

The hot guy sitting next to you picks it up and hands it to you while you’re eye fucking him. 

He gets the message and strikes up a conversation. 

He reluctantly has to go, but ends the conversation by asking you for your number and inviting you out for a drink later that week.

Drop something to get a guys attention

You can also use this "technique" to give him a good ol' look... May be required if he hasn't approached you already

25. Innocently touch him

So far, we haven’t broken the touch barrier. However, now is the time.

Below you will find a long list of ways to touch a guy (both ‘accidentally’ and directly) so you’ve effectively approached him and a conversation can begin.

  1. The classic: whoops, I bumped into you! How did I not see you? (follow up with flirty eye contact)
  2. Brush him as you walk by (brush by his hands or from behind, his butt, if you're feeling courageous)
  3. Lean over him to get something and accidentally have your boobs touching his shoulder
  4. When you’re in a loud environment, lean in with your whole body so that he hears you well (helps if you smell good)
  5. If his collar isn’t done right or something is wrong with his clothing, fix it for him (you’ll have lots of time to have eye contact)
  6. Caress his arm while admiring his tattoo (great way to start turning him on: 25 Exclusive Ways To Turn On A Guy And Make Him Horny
  7. While sharing a story your man, touch his forearm to explain how the whole story felt for you
  8. Touch his clothing as a way to ‘clean it off for him’ (if done while eye fucking, this can be very seductive)
  9. Give him a quick massage while mentioning how stressed he seems and make sure he returns the favour by giving you a massage later
  10. Stand right beside him when he needs help with work, almost as if you’re glued together
  11. If you’re sitting next to each other for whatever reason, brush your legs on his
  12. Wear a really nice, soft sweater and demand he feels it to see how nice and cozy it is

There are more techniques and I plan on writing a how-to article on touching guys, but for now you can read about how the other side plays the game: How to Touch a Girl: 47 Smooth Techniques [Pictures Included].

26. Don’t expect him to approach you straight away

Even after you’ve definitely made eye contact and exchanged smiles, there’s still a good chance he won’t approach you. This could be for multiple reasons:

  1. He’s still too scared 
  2. He’s had a bad day
  3. He’s not single
  4. He doesn’t have time
  5. Etc.

The point is: don’t take it personally if he doesn’t approach straight away. You’re a fPUA now (female PickUp Artist) and what comes with that is a whole lot of rejects so shrug it off and either hunt for your next target or Keep sending out ‘Approach Invitations’ until he approaches you…

27. Keep sending out ‘Approach Invitations’ until he approaches you

So if he doesn’t respond right away, try again! 

Keep flirting with him. 

Keep showing him signs that a girl likes him!

Keep looking back and being more obvious/ direct until he has no choice but to smile back and acknowledge something.

OK. 

But what if that doesn’t help and he still doesn’t approach you.

Well most girls would walk off and feel dejected (or simply look for another target), however, if you’re feeling brave, why not approach him?

28. Why won’t men approach me?

Quiz time! Why don't guys approach me?

  1. Do you think negatively about flirting to get a guy to approach you? Do you think it’s too manly? 
  2. Do you believe that guys truly love being approached?
  3. Are you using techniques that work well at the bar in your school? Are you lacking social calibration? 
  4. Are you being too sexual with your initial flirting and freaking guys out? Are you being too friendly and leaving guys thinking that you want to friendzone them?
  5. What’s with your resting bitch face? What do you look like while walking around day-to-day? 
  6. When you feel scared and awkward, do you show vulnerability which guys find endearing or do you put up a wall?
  7. Are you getting guys to notice you by getting close enough?
  8. Are you going out with too many girl-friends or guy friends? 
  9. On a scale from 1-10, how well can you flirt with your eyes?
  10. When you flirt with your eyes, are you combining it with other techniques such as dangling your shoe?
  11. Are you breaking the touch barrier? 
  12. Are you sending out enough Approach Invitations to enough guys to even gather enough data to conclude that guys don’t like you? (As mentioned, as an fPUA you can’t expect every ping to respond positively.)

Take note and improve yourself. 

29. Show vulnerability in your approach

Above is everything I know about getting a guy to approach you (and if you have anything to share, please do so in the comments below), but now’s the time we talk about you approaching guys. 

The scary stuff.

Thankfully, because you’re the girl, it’s perfectly fine to show fear. In fact, guys find it very cute and attractive when a girl doesn’t hide her vulnerability. 

Don’t worry about being Mrs. Boss Girl or super confident. Guys just find that overbearing, intimidating and unattractive.

Here’s a great article about this exact topic: The 2 Elements Men Want In Every Women & 27 Illustrations

30. Let him take control after you approach

Before we talk about exact techniques for approaching a man, you gotta understand that you’re simply approaching him. That’s all.

You want to hand over the reins of the conversation as quickly as possible. 

This makes you feel more feminine and him, more masculine which increases the polarity. Now he has to chase you, talk you up and eventually ask you for your number all while you’re playing hard to get.

31. Be Indirectly-Direct in your approach

Learning how to be Indirectly-Direct is crucial for women, because unlike guys, a girl can’t just walk up to a guy in broad daylight and tell him he’s cute (at least most girls can’t).

So how can you communicate interest without being direct? What’s the solution?

Be Indirectly-Direct. 

That is, have your words be indirect (“do you think you’ll be able to help me with my homework tonight”), but your body language, tone of voice and vibe are communicating that you’re very attracted to him.

Be Indirectly-Direct, say anything unrelated and most guys will understand. This is crucial for any ‘up and coming’ fPUA. Do not mess this up.

32. Filter For The Right Guy To Approach

So the first thing to consider when approaching a guy is picking which one. Obviously, I know you won’t be approaching any guy you find unattractive,  but here are 2 filters I believe you should be aware of:

  1. How has he reacted to your flirty eye contact? This can warm up the ‘cold approach’ aspect when he smiles back (AKA forcing IOI’s).
  2. Can you tell if he’s married? Rings, purses lying around, and a girl's coat sitting on the chair next to him are all signs that he’s at least dating.

If you have any other obvious filters to look out for before making the approach, please share them in the comments 😉

33. Ask Him For Help

So what do I say when approaching a guy?

The easiest, and most effective: ask him for help while flirting with your eyes (AKA Indirectly-Direct).

Be the damsel in distress and he’ll be the knight in shining armor rushing to help you. 

Act like a damsel in distress to get guys to approach you

He wants to be your Superman, your superhero, but in order for that to happen, you got to lower your guard and become that cute damsel in distress

While this sounds simple, there are many ways to pull this off and a couple guidelines you need to follow:

  1. Before you actually ask him for help, first ask him if he’s willing to help you for a minute. This makes your man feel less used and more appreciated. 
  2. Don’t ask for something so small that he doesn’t understand why you can’t just do it yourself [4]
  3. Don’t ask for something so big that he doesn’t want to help you. No man wants to be your maid.
  4. Don’t ask for something so normal that he can’t see through it as just an excuse just to talk to him (read The Art of The Bad Excuse on r/redpillwomen to understand this balance)
  5. If he quickly solves your ‘issues’ keep asking him for help (reasonably) while flirting until he gets the message
  6. Ask him to work with you on a school project together (this is a great way to eventually get him to ask you out)
  7. If you’re at a construction store, ask him what kind of screw you need for your project to make sure you screw it properly… (you can also sneak in a compliment about how he’s dressed or how knowledgeable he is)
  8. Ask him where he got that cute jeans/ shirt because you’re trying to help a recently single friend dress well. Then talk about dating and how you’re also single. What a surprise!
  9. If you’re at the gym, ask him to spot you or check if you have good form - just make sure not ask him to become your coach or while he’s busy working out. Sometimes sneaking in a self-depreciating compliment can get him to compliment you and drive the conversation forward. 
  10. If you’re at the bar, ask him to watch your coat for you while you bring your drinks to your friends. When you head back for your coat, make sure to thank him and strike up some sort of conversation - if you have an interesting coat, talk about that! (And of course, you can apply this to many venues.)
  11. Here are some direct examples from my post 17 Subtle Ways To Get A Guy To Ask You Out & 5 Things You Must Never Try: Hey ____, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, my computer is acting all crazy. I think it has a mind of its own. If you have time later today, would you mind dropping by and helping me out?
  12. Hey _____, you might be the only guy here who can help me out. My bedroom door is coming off its hinges and I’m too weak to put it back on. Do you think you could help me out with those huge muscles? [wink, wink]
  13. ____, I know you are so busy, but my lawnmower won’t turn on no matter how much I scream at it. Do you think you could try some of your magic on it? I don’t know how else I’m supposed to mow my lawn
  14. If you’re at the grocery store, ask him where he picked up those 2 beautiful melons or that one huge cucumber! When he shows you, thank him and ask him what he's shopping for.
  15. Ask for anything small (pencil, salt shaker, stapler), but do it with very open body language and a look that says ‘talk to me’

By asking a guy for help, you’re usually gonna end up spending time with him while he tries to solve your problem. This makes this not only a great approaching technique, but also a great way to get him to ask you out

34. Ask For Directions

While asking for directions technically falls under asking for help, I place this separately because A) you can use it for some real street cold approach and B) The conversation will fizzle out in half a minute unless you keep it going.

Here’s how I’d do it:

  1. Start by asking for the nearest, best bar or coffee shop. 
  2. Ask him where he’s from 
  3. Introduce yourselves 
  4. Sneak in little compliments and be Indirectly-Direct so that he knows you like him
  5. Talk about the best date venues and what kind of bar you like being taken out to
  6. Hope to God that he takes you out there as an Instant date or takes your number
  7. If he doesn’t, you take him number and wish him a good day

You can read more about this here: 24 Subtle Techniques To Get Any Guy To Notice You & 5 Common Mistakes You Must Avoid

35. The Situational Opener

The Situational Opener is the next best indirect opener after asking a guy for help. Here’s how it works: simply notice what he’s doing and (optionally) twist it.

Here’s an example of using The Situational Opener to approach a guy at the grocery store: 

You notice he’s buying a lot of cucumbers or melons. While being Indirectly-Direct, say “Boy, do you love big melons” or “What kind of obsession do you have with cucumbers.”

He’ll then go on to explain that he’s got some party at his place or he’s some kind of vegan health nut and starting a conversation from there is effortless. 

Another example: If he’s wearing any niche brand of clothing or shoe that you know lots about, mention it. He’ll take it as a compliment that you notice his style and you’ll instantly have some common ground.

For more examples, you could read my guide for guys looking to start a conversation with women: 16 Useful Steps to Start a Conversation With a Girl [30+ examples]

36. Mistaken him for someone else

Not the best move, but if you’re super shy and find yourself without any other options try this: approach him like he’s an old friend and then apologize, introduce yourself try to get the conversation to continue 

37. Mention a hobby you seem to share

Could call this a subcategory of situational openers. 

Here’s how it works: If you see something that he’s wearing or doing which indicates he’s really into some niche hobby you happen to enjoy too, mention it.

  1. If he has massive arms and you love lifting too, mention it.
  2. If he’s wearing a sports jersey of a team you like too, mention it
  3. If he’s always up early at the gym and so are you, mention it.

You get the idea. Start with the similarities you have, mix in some flirting and end by getting him to ask you out.

38. Indirectly compliment him

We’ll talk about directly complimenting a guy soon, but before we get there, let’s discuss some ways to indirectly compliment a guy:

  1. Compliment his style
  2. Compliment his choice of healthy or delicious food (say, you see him at the supermarket)
  3. Say “whoa, hold on a second” as if you’re surprised, when he asked what, tell him that his muscles are so big (not indirect, but I thought I’d sneak it in)
  4. If he has a special flavor tea of coffee, compliment him, tell him that he’s daring
  5. Compliment him for being so daring for going on ___ adventure, this will make him feel quite manly

And just like anything you say, it’s not about the words, it’s about the feeling and spontaneity which makes it so powerful.

39. Give Him a Small, Surprising, Personalized Gift (S.S.P.G.)

SSPG is an acronym I put together while writing my Guide To Telling A Girl You Like Her to name the perfect gift: it’s not too big so it doesn’t seem like you’re buying their love, but it’s personalized so it means a lot to the receiver. 

  1. If you know he loves a specific kind of cookie, make a homemade version of it just for him (maybe you could hang out in the park and munch on them together)
  2. Bring him anything nice that happened to remind you of him (besides for being a nice present, it also shows that you think of him)
  3. Fake/used jewelry that happen to have her initials (‘stole’ this example from my other article 39 Underused Ways To Make Your Girlfriend Happy That Actually Work

SSPG usually works well in school environments where you already know each other.

40. The Direct Date Invite (DDI)

Depending on how well you already know him, you can sometimes go straight to a direct date invite (you can do this whether he approached you or you made the first move).

The following are some ways to pull this off, but you’ll see more in our dedicated sections about approaching in work or at school:

  1. Simplest: trade numbers and tell him that you’d be happy to get a drink together “sometime this week”
  2. Invite him over to watch a movie/ anime together at your place. This is great when you already love the guy and want full control over the logistics - it’s your place so you can set your bed + lighting how you want, dress how you want (greet him at the door without pants on and do what you want (don’t have to deal with his parents/ roommates). Talk about ways to turn on a guy and make him horny…
  3. Leverage your personal interests to have dates together

The Direct Date Invite is just something to do after the initial approach. You’ll want to read the following article for more examples of getting a guy to go out with you: 17 Subtle Ways To Get A Guy To Ask You Out & 5 Things You Must Never Try 

41. Make your intentions clear 

Because all the previous approaches have been indirect (or at best Indirectly-Direct), you need to swing back around and make it clear that you’re interested in him romantically NOT as friends.

So how do you show a guy that you really like him?

  1. Mention that you are single
  2. Talk about how you generally dislike online dating apps and prefer meeting guys face to face (but avoid sounding too negative talking about dating apps)
  3. After the conversation kicks off, immediately start flirting 
  4. Sneak in compliments 
  5. Finish off by asking to trade number so that you can get a drink together sometime (not coffee, he may think you’re trying to friendzone him)

42. Get a Wing

Now that we’re past the indirect approaches, we can now move on to direct approaches. Here’s where you learn how to pickup a guy.

The first thing you gotta do is get yourself a female wing, or a wing girl. 

Having a female friend will boost your vibe, tell you what you're doing wrong and may even make you look prettier if she’s no-so-great-looking. 

P.S.

If you approach guys while taking your cute dog on a walk, you're gonna get a lot more interest. Same is true for guys picking up girls. #WeDon'tDeserveDogs

43. The Direct Opener

Here’s how it goes: 

“Hi, I know this is super random, but I noticed you back there and I think you look so cute. I noticed your red sweater and how well it goes with blah, blah, blah…”

If you’re at the beach or anywhere where a direct sexual compliment is appropriate, you can always just get right to the point:

Wow, I can’t stop looking at your six pack. How do you even look so good?
Approaching a muscular guy on the beach

He may get a little jittery and not totally believe that a girl just approached him with such a direct compliment, but say it slowly and he’ll be just fine.

As mentioned, you gotta let him take control after being so direct like this. Play a little hard to get and make him chase you.

44. How To Approach Or Get Approached By A Guy At School Or College

Whether you’re at school, college or at a party, the following are some ways to make your approach. Notice that some of these examples have been noted above and will work in other environments (work, gym, bar) as well.

  1. If you’re super unsure if he likes you, tell him what you’re favorite movie is and gauge his reaction to see if he cares
  2. Invite him over to watch a movie/ anime together at your place. This is great when you already love the guy and want full control over the logistics - it’s your place so you can set your bed + lighting how you want, dress how you want (greet him at the door without pants on) and do what you want (don’t have to deal with his parents/ roommates).... talk about ways to turn on a guy and make him horny…
  3. Use homework or a school project to spend time together
  4. If you’ve been seeing him around (and notice that he’s eyeing you), tell him “I see you around everyday, we may as well get to know each other
  5. Give him an S.S.P.G.
  6. Approach your guy at the school lunch and say “my mom gave me too much ___, could you please take some?” This example is from my guide: 55 Tried-and-True Steps to Get a Girlfriend at Middle, High School and College - would be happy to see what you think of my advice for guys there!
  7. If you want to get a guy in your grade to approach you, seem especially happy and excited when you see him and make sure he notices. Eventually, he’ll approach you.
  8. Stop him in the school hallway and ask him for a small favor, then say while flirting with your eyes “don't think we know each other, but we share ___ class, I had a small question about today's project, would you be able to help me?” Then say, “Wait, I know you’re super busy, how about we meet up at the cafeteria later this afternoon?” Congratulations, you’ve just set up a date!
  9. You can ask very basic questions like "What did you think of that exam?" or "How do you like your new schedule?" but he needs to see it in your eyes and body language why you're really asking those questions.

The one thing you need to avoid doing is being unclear or too indirect. Guys in school don’t have enough experience to know what you really mean when you talk, share personal stories and eventually invite him to spend time with your female friends. 

45. How To Approach Or Get Approached By A Guy At The Gym

IMPORTANT! Read a longer version of this miniaturized gym guide here: 19 Moves: Meeting & Approaching Guys at the Gym and Getting Guys to Approach You

Doing pickup in the gym doesn’t get much easier than this: 

While he’s doing an overhead military press and you notice his arms are shaking, jump on his back from behind and scream “I’ve had a crush on you for the last 4 months! What’s your name?”

OK, serious now. 

When to approach a guy at the gym?

If he’s looking at you, it’s a pretty solid sign that he likes you.

If he works out super intensely, approach him while he’s finished and packing his stuff away (and you notice that he’s not in a rush to leave)

do not approach a man while he's in middle of working out

If he’s the type of guy who takes multiple breaks, approach him when he’s taking a break, scrolling through Instagram or filling up his water bottle.

Don't fear the big guys in the gym

As the meme goes... 

approaching the biggest guy in the gym

How to approach a guy with headphones?

Don’t be afraid to approach him just because he has headphones in.

how to approach a guy with headphones on

When you approach him, smile and motion to him to take his headphones out, once he does it, continue as usual. It may help you to first read how guys pull it off: 29 Concrete Steps to Approaching & Talking to Girls at the Gym [With Examples]

Do guys like being approached in the gym?

Yes, nothing changes at the gym: as long as you play it right, guys LOVE it. [1]

Be His Spotter

If you notice he’s not benching a lot of weight, offer to spot him. If he’s benching a lot, compliment him on his muscles then ask him to spot you. Don’t forget - be Indirectly-Direct!

The Semi-Direct Approach

You could always go the semi direct route: Start with "I don't want to interrupt your workout, but I just wanted to introduce myself…"

Talk About The Gym Music

If you notice he’s rocking out to a song, ask him what he’s listening to and what kind of music he likes

Ask Him Where He's Been

If he hasn’t come to the gym in a while, use it as an excuse to catch up with him “Haven’t seen you in a while… where you been? You went on a 3 day hike! Show me some pictures! Blah, blah, blah…”

Talk About Gym Stuff

Ask him anything gym/ workout related: diet, workout routine, how much sleep he gets, does he take creatine or protein shakes, what type of protein shake he likes, etc. 

Talk About The Event Going On

If your gym also teaches combat sports or has an event going on, ask him about the rules and how it all works

use a gym event to approach a guy

Hold The Door For Him

If you know he arrives every day at a specific time, get there before him and hold the door for him

Ask Him Basic Gym Questions 

Ask him where ___ machine is while flirting with your eyes

Ask him if he thinks you have good form, then mention something self-depreciating to get him to compliment you. As always, he’s gotta see it in your eyes and body language that you aren’t just asking him how to have the correct form. Otherwise, he’ll simply ask you to ask the staff. (Same goes for guys approaching girls in the gym.)

Get In His Way

Purposefully wait to use the equipment he’s currently using, and ask him how much longer till he’s done. After a few times of doing this, you could easily joke and say, “hah sorry, I feel like we keep wanting to use the same machines, and I keep kicking you off!” 

Ask Him How To Look As Good As Him

Say that you want to work on bodypart X and since it looks good on him ask him what he'd recommend doing - if you really want to spice it up, you can mention his butt. Or his arms, but then touch his arms (not butt!) and playfully compare his arms to yours. 

Ask About His Gym Motivation 

Asking him what drives him to come every morning so early, tell him that you need someone to wake you up in the morning too!

Workout Next To Him

Work out or stretch right next to him - focus on those legs or bend down and give him a good look.

workout next to a guy to get him to approach you

Finishing off the gym approach

After you initial approach, talk a bit, flirt, but then either trade numbers or ask him about getting a quick bite to eat or a smoothie/protein shake after, tell him you like watching him work out and you could use some "pointers" on some cardio exercises or some stupid exercise. 

46. How To Approach Or Get Approached By A Guy At A Bar

There are so many ways to pickup a guy at a bar, the following are just some examples I’ve come up with on my own, plus from what I’ve found on Reddit, blogs and other forums. If you have any of your own strategies that have worked for you, be sure to share them in the comments. 

IMPORTANT: You can read a longer and more detailed posts about meeting guys at the gym here: 17 Moves: Meeting & Approaching Guys at the Bar and Getting Guys to Approach You

Have a drink yourself

God! Do I really need to tell you to drink some alcohol in a bar? 

Drink something to help you approach guys

Please, have a drink. It's my present to you. For free!

I don’t care if you don’t normally drink or you’re from a family that’s against drinking for whatever reason.

Drink! It’ll raise your vibe, make you more approachable and give you the guts to talk to any guy you like. 

Go to a bar you like

Depending on your introvert/ extrovert levels, different bars at different times (busy vs empty) are gonna work better for you. 

But beyond your preferences, as you’ll soon see, having room at the bar and a bartender to use as a wing is very useful, so I think for most girls, a less crowded bar is always a better option.

Avoid crowded bars when getting a guy to approach you

Pick a good location in the bar

In my guide for men: 22 Smooth Steps to Approach Girls at the Bar, I stress how important location is in any social event, bars included. 

You gotta go where the guys you like are. Obviously, staying on the dance floor all night isn’t a great option.

So where should you go? The bar is a good option, but that can get too crowded. In that case, back of the crowd, just not so far away that guys don’t notice you. Balconies are good too because there’s lots of room for guys to approach you and talk about whatever you’ve overseeing. 

Make room for a guy to approach

Besides for going where there is ALREADY room for a guy to approach you, you can always take the lead and make room yourself. 

Look at the diagram below: 

In the first example, you and your friend are facing the bar (forcing guys to approach you from behind) and there is no room next to you to sit down.

In the second example, you’ve pushed to your right to make room on your left side for guys to approach and you are now facing to your left, open to any guy who would want to approach you.

Using a wing to approach a guy at a bar

Always use a friend or a "wing" to help you approach guys. 

Wait for him to order drinks

When you see your man approaching the bar to order a drink, go order one yourself too and try to strike up a conversation that way.

Alternatively, you can ask him what he likes, then buy him a drink (which signals your interest). At this point, he’ll probably go back to his friends, but don’t worry, he’ll come back to buy you a drink and chat you up.

Mention his drink

Here’s where you use a Situational Opener:

  1. Is that an IPA? Do you like it?
  2. Have you ever been to [insert brewery here]?”
  3. If he’s drinking a cocktail, ask him what’s in it and if he’s ever made one at home.

This can also work if you don’t know much about drinks, because you’re not the one doing all the talking, he is. Just seem curious and ready to listen. 

Ask about the event

Besides knowing what bar you like going to and what times, it helps to know which events are happening and what days. 

Going when there’s live music gives you so much to talk about when you approach your man: 

Is this his favorite song/ band? What does he like to listen to? Did he come specifically to hear this band? How did you know we had the exact same music tastes?
Use events happening at the bar to approach men

If there's karaoke, ask him to choose a song for you and then you could sing together (talk about ways to flirt with a guy).

Look for a guy sitting by himself

Approaching a guy sitting by himself can make things a lot easier. He’s got no girls to cockblock you and he’s so bored that anything better than his phone is welcome. 

Just be aware, however, that he might be waiting for his date or friends to show up so try to establish that early on in the conversation so it doesn’t screw you over later. 

So what are some things you can do:

  1. If you’re super shy, just sit next to him. Things automatically happen when a cute girl and hot guy sit together (this applies to any restaurant, coffee shop too).
  2. Buy him a drink
  3. Approach him any Situational Opener
  4. Ask him if you can join him until your friend arrives 

Use the bartender 

As mentioned, bartenders are the best social lubricant (unless you find the odd socially awkward one). So why not use them to help you out as a wing?

  1. Start by making flirty eye contact and smiling, if you notice he smiles back, ask the bartender to send a drink to him
  2. Ask your bartender/ waiter to pass your number to him (think ‘love note’ back from your school days)
  3. While you’re at the bar chatting with the bartender, include your man in the conversation when he comes to get a drink
Always use the bartender to help you get with guys

Make him your best friend... unless he's the guy you want!

In all of these examples, it helps to tell your bartender in advance that you’re single and searching… and make sure to tip him well!

Use games in the bar for pickup

Not all bars will have games (pool, foosball table, etc.) in the bar, but that’s why you picked a bar that has one… right?

OK, so here are some ways to do it:

  1. Ask if he needs a new partner in the game 
  2. Ask him to show you how to play
  3. Ask him if he wants to join you for a game
  4. If he’s with friends, go introduce yourself and ask if he needs any help beating his friends 
Use Games In The Bar For Pickup

The key here, and I’ve told this to you a million times, is that you must be Indirectly-Direct. It’s not about the game, it’s about an excuse to flirt with you.

Approaching a guy in a sports bar

The only reason I mention sports bars here is because a lot of guys are watching the sports there which can help you use a Situational Opener. 

Example: he’s obviously interested in the game, ask him to tell you which team he’s rooting for. When he tells you which one, tease him by saying there’s no way you two are ever getting together because his team is just terrible!

Use the loud music to your advantage

Touched on this earlier. If it’s too loud to verbally communicate. Make physical touch and body language your main modes of communication! 

Guys do this all the time when they approach girls in the bar, and it’s time girls level up too.

Lean in, make him feel your body and he’ll understand you perfectly well… and get a little horny.

Approaching a 2-set

Lastly, what happens if he’s not alone at the bar? What happens if he’s sitting at a table with his friend? 

There are several ways to deal with a 2-set, but here’s how I’d do it: 

Approach them both in a very friendly manner so as not to cut off him friend, but be more sexual/ flirty to your man (understand that this is a massive ego boost for your man in front of his friends, so don’t worry about interrupting him). 

If you notice that he’s hooked or his friend has left to give you space, offer to bounce him over to the bar where you’ll buy him a drink. If you see that he’s not ready to leave his friend yet, trade numbers and/ or re-approach him later. 

Now, I don’t need to tell you this, but don’t approach him if he’s with a girl. He might not be annoyed, but his girl will be mad. Avoid unnecessary drama. 

47. How To Approach Or Get Approached By A Guy At Work

I actually have an article dedicated for men on this exact topic: 12 Subtle Ways to Flirt With a Girl at Work & Date a Coworker, but if you read it you’ll see that I start by saying why I don’t recommend it for men. 

That isn’t to say that you can’t find a wonderful man at your workplace, it’s to say that approaching a man at work isn’t the best idea (for the reasons stated in the article). 

However, there’s one big exception: you have a disposable job. 

If you have a job you don’t care about, by all means, treat it like any other dating scene. Here are some tips to help you out:

  1. Talk quietly so that he doesn't have to worry about losing HIS job
  2. Think about waiting for a break to approach him
  3. Ask your boss if you could help him/ work together
  4. If you’ve been friendly and you really like him, ask him out straight away (as mentioned when approaching a guy from school)

48. How To Approach A Guy Over Text Or On Social Media

I don’t use social media much, but here are some tips to use whether you’re on Facebook (who uses Facebook anymore?), Instagram or any other platform:

  1. Replying to their snapchat story with a little teasing
  2. Tag them in a hilarious post - have flirtatious undertones
  3. Make it easy for him to poke fun/ tease you by making corny/ stupid jokes
  4. Flirt with him by sending him a selfie while saying “I’m at least 10 times cuter than you”
  5. When he tries to impress you with his own selfie, tell him “no, I meant cute, not ugliest!”
  6. Find out what his favorite food is, buy it for yourself then post a picture of it to Facebook tagging him saying something like “jealous? You’ll have to come over to try some”
  7. Send him a private photo of you and your dog, saying “this dog is my love”
  8. Post a public story that only you and him would understand (only works if he’s a guy you already know)

You can read more about these techniques here: 43 Exclusive Methods To Flirt With a Guy In Any Situation [& Countless Examples] | Dating Armory 

49. What If His Girlfriend Shows Up Mid-Approach?

What if his girl shows up while you’re chatting with him? Well that’s already very rare if you were already looking for the signs that he’s single, but if it does happen, tell her that she has a nice boyfriend that she really needs to guard more and that she should only take it as a compliment.

50. What If The Approach Doesn’t Work

If you aren’t being successful in your approaches, read through the following troubleshooting-checklist to see where you’re failing:

  1. You’re expecting a 100% success rate. Can’t expect everyone to be single and love you.
  2. You’re approaching shy guys and expecting them to take full control of the conversation after just your opening line
  3. You self-eject when you’re not 100% sure that he likes you. As mentioned, take any small Indicator of Interest (e.g. he says thank you to your compliment) as a sign to keep chatting him up
  4. You offer your number too early in the conversation which freaks him out
  5. You’re too high energy for him and don’t have any of the boring, but crucial conversation to ground yourselves 

If you have any other ideas, share them below in the comments and with that, I’m out. 

Calvin


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