22 Smooth Steps to Approach Girls at the Bar [& 34 Practical Examples]

  • Home
  • /
  • Charisma
  • /
  • 22 Smooth Steps to Approach Girls at the Bar [& 34 Practical Examples]

You see a smoking hot girl at the bar, you check her out and she’s perfect, but you don’t do anything and before you know it, another guy swopes in and steals her.

Damn! You feel terrible and wish you had the courage to make the approach. 

I know how that feels and I’ve definitely been there (probably more than you).

But with my 100’s of embarrassing failures I’ve learnt all the practical, useful steps that’ll work for any guy that is looking to succeed in bars or clubs and I can’t wait to share them with you.

So enough talking, let’s get started!

Picture of a bar
  • It’s easy
  • It’s cheap
  • It’s transformational

OK, enough ranting, here’s how you do it:

#1 Follow the rules of the bar or club 

Some high-end pubs and clubs have dress codes so before you head out, make sure you know all the rules. 

#2 Dressing at a regular bar

If it’s a normal bar, here’s a great casual (and budget friendly) way to dress.

  1. 1
    Shirt: Henley shirt (better than just a regular T-shirt)
  2. 2
    Sweater: If it’s cold outside, pick a casual sweater
  3. 3
    Pants: Chinos (comfortable without being too chill)
  4. 4
    Shoes: Boots or leather sneakers
  5. 5
    Watch: Anything stylish really, just avoid the 20 dollar Casio’s (helps to make you stand out)

#3 Dressing for a high-end bar

At a high-end bar, you’ll be dressing “business-casual” which means you’re striking the fine line between professional-business-like and chill-casual style.

So here’s how you do it:

  1. 1
    Shirt: Patterned/white dress shirt 
  2. 2
    Sweater: Again, if it’s cold pick a sweater, but only business style
  3. 3
    Pants: Dark raw denim jeans
  4. 4
    Shoes: Leather sneaker or dress shoes
  5. 5
    Watch: Any dress watch

What’s cool about dressing business-like is that you automatically feel more confident because it makes you feel more put together and see yourself differently. [3, 4]

This is also a great outfit for whenever you’re approaching on a daily basis (which you should of course be doing). [5]

Key points

  • Colors need to match
  • Feel good in your clothing
  • Don’t forget to add something that makes you stand out (watch, necklace, etc.)

Now that you know how to get dressed for approaching at any bar, here are a couple steps that’ll greatly improve your success by at least 50% when you actually start talking to girls.

[adinserter block="2"]

2. Bring friends that’ll help you approach

Yes, you can go to the bar alone just to pickup women, but there are sooo many benefits to bringing along a good friend:

1. Women need to see social proof

Guys don’t care if a girl has 10 guys surrounding her, in fact it’ll make her more unattractive as she’ll be harder to get.

However, girls are 1000% the opposite.

Girls need to see social proof that you’re already a likable guy in order to feel attraction so when you bring along a cool group of friends or a hot girl she’ll notice.

On the flip side, if you bring along your weirdo friend who’s socially blind, he’ll make it a lot harder for you to seem attractive.

2. It’s shift your focus to having a good time at the bar

Reason number 2 for bringing along some friends is that your focus is now about having fun at the bar instead of just getting laid. 

Why is that important?

You’ll feel much less needy/thirsty when approaching because really just about having fun and that will make you exude confident energy that girls crave.

[adinserter block="3"]

3. You’ll feel motivated to make that approach

Most guys starting off with approaching are scared - and that’s fine. 

But what can help is having an accountability partner - preferably a friend who’s in the exact same position you’re in.

Make sure they don’t let you chicken out!

That being said, it’s OK to go to the bar alone and if a girl asks you where all your friends are, just tell her that you came with a friend, but he already took a guy home (this makes you seem like an alpha male while “holding frame”). 

3. Warm up socially

Think of approaching women like working out.

Do you start your workout with heavy weightlifting? Of course not.

Same with women.

You don’t start approaching with the hottest girls you see in the bar, instead:

  1. 1
    Approach girls on the way to the bar or even at the gym (yes, you should be approaching everywhere)
  2. 2
    Bring alone friends and have fun with them
  3. 3
    Start a dance circle using the techniques in the video below:

Now you’re feeling all warmed up, you’re ready to make the bold move.

4. Approach without getting drunk

But I’m too scared to approach without getting drunk!!

I understand.

We’ve all been there.

But you need to get over the fear of approaching women without alcohol, but that’s only part of the problem.

When you get all drunk, women immediately feel your fake confidence and don’t want anything to do with you.

On the other hand, when you approach while being sober, you immediately stand out from all the other drunk dudes and make a powerful first impression.

Don't get too drunk when approaching girls at the bar

Bottom line: don’t rely on alcohol to succeed with women.

5. Make sure the girls you’re approaching isn’t drunk

Now that you aren’t drunk, you need to be sure that the girl you’re approaching isn’t drunk.

Why is this so important?

Because what happens if she does head back to your place, you have sex, but the next morning she doesn’t remember anything! Now you have a rape accusation and good luck getting out of that.

Listen brother, don’t go for some easy sex with a drunk girl, you can literally ruin your life with that decision.

6. Look for signs that she wants you to approach her

This step is exclusive to approaching girls at the bar - not on the street, college, gym, etc.


Because most bars aren’t that big and girls will pay attention if a different girl rejected you which makes you a very unattractive guy in their eyes - remember, girls are all about social proof.

So it’s super important you make your first moves with girls that are already showing IOI’s (Indicators of Interest).

Fair enough, but what are some signs that a girl wants you to approach her?

  1. 1
    Exposing her neck towards you
  2. 2
    Leaning towards you
  3. 3
    Looking at you
  4. 4
    Touching herself while looking in your direction
  5. 5
    Smiling with a slight blush
  6. 6
    Showing cleavage towards you 
  7. 7
    Playing with hair 
  8. 8
    Raised eyebrows

There are more signs, but frankly you’ll see them instantly once you gain more experience. However you can always read How To Tell If a Girl Likes You And Wants To Get Hot and get all the signs you’ll ever need to recognize. 

Another reason why only approaching women that seem interested is a better idea is that you simply waste less time with girls that look like brick walls.

You could approach 100 girls and get 3 lays or approach 20 girls and 5 lays. 

What’s more time efficient? 

I say, save time and get laid more. Agree? 

[adinserter block="4"]

7. Don’t approach like a creep

  • Creeps approach girls with hesitation
  • Creeps approach girls like goofballs
  • Creeps approach girls with crazy energy

So here’s what you do instead: approach with good energy, relaxed body language, and don’t hide your intentions as if you just want to be her friend. 

8. Smile while approaching

Here’s a quote from Sebastian Harris’ course when he talk about approaching women on the street (but applies equally here):

No, you don’t run up to her, grab her shoulder, and scream, “You are so beautiful!!!” from behind. That’s creepy as fuck. Never, and I repeat, never approach a woman from behind. Put yourself in her shoes. She doesn’t know that you’re a handsome motherfucker with a great personality. You could be a rapist, a masturbating Louis C.K, or worse, an insurance salesman. How could she possibly know? She didn’t see you. You didn’t even give her the chance to see if you’re smiling or foaming with rage. Here’s the golden rule:
Let her see you. Then approach her.
So, here’s what you do in this situation: You run or walk up to her until you’re in front of her. Then you turn towards her and stop her. Now she sees you. You are not a threat. She can relax… but only if you smile. I know, a lot of pickup gurus say that you have to be serious, strong, and alpha. Don’t do that. A smile communicates, “I come in peace.” A serious face says, “I am dangerous, and not in a good way.” So smile.

I think Sebastian explains the power of smiling very clearly and I should add, that if you haven’t gone through his course, The Rise of The Phoenix - I don’t know what you’re waiting for!

9. Get her attention

  • You’re feeling confident
  • You picked the right girl
  • You are currently walking towards her with a warm smile

Now what!?

You get her attention. 

If she’s alone, try to approach her while she’s standing so that she feels more comfortable as she knows that she can easily walk away at any time (not that she actually will).

As Sebastian said, don’t tap her on the shoulder from behind and freak her out! Instead, come from the side and use your opener as seen in the picture below:

Approaching a girl at the bar while she's alone

If she’s with her friends, start by complimenting the whole friend group, be friendly and then ‘confess’ that you need to talk to her because she’s just too cute.

Example of approaching a girl at the bar while she's with her friends

10. Approach her with a good bar pick up line

You got 30 seconds to make your pitch like a salesman. You either make it or break it. 

So what are some good openers that are great for bars?

Here you go:

Bar pick up line #1:

“Hey, I need a woman's opinion on something."


"If I was trying to get a cute girl's number, should I just outright ask her or buy her a drink first?"

"Um I'd buy a drink first."

"Can I buy you that drink then?"

Bar pick up line  #2:

"Excuse me you dropped something!"

 When she turns around, looking at your with a confused face, say: "my number"

Bar pick up line #3:

"Excuse me, do you smoke?" 


“Well, just ten seconds and I've already found something we have in common".

But what if she says “I do smoke”, say this:

“See, I also had an answer for that. I would've told you opposites attract."

Bar pick up line #4:

These ones are taken straight from my huge post - How to Start a Conversation With Any Girl:

Sorry to bother you, but I was walking on the other side of the bar and I had to come tell you that your dress looks perfect on you, where did you get your sense of style from?

This one’s great because you're explaining to her why you're approaching and “Pre-Framing” the conversation which lowers the shock factor while still finishing with a question. 

[adinserter block="2"]

Bar pick up line #5:

Sorry to bother you, but you look so lonely, I’m sure you wouldn’t mind some awkward company [wink, smile].

Bar pick up line #6:

I don’t mean to scare you, but your red dress is so damn perfect for this sunny day! How do you always know what to wear?

Keep it observational

These pick up lines work fine, but if you notice something that stands out - i.e. her drink - start your approach with that. 

The best pickup lines are contextual/observational pickup lines - and don’t worry, I’ll give you some more examples very soon!

11. Talk clearly

How you say the line is more important than the line itself.

Music can get loud in bars and if you’re not talking clearly, she won’t take you seriously. 

What does this mean?

  • Talk clearly 
  • Talk loudly
  • Talk slowly (no matter how nervous you are)

Girls won’t ask you twice, so you better get it right the first time.

[adinserter block="3"]

12. Know when to approach the next girl

Before we talk about continuing the conversation and possibly taking her home, you must learn the signs she’s not interested so that you can save time and move onto another girl:

  • She doesn’t even smile at you
  • She doesn’t giggle or laugh at your corny pick up line
  • She gives you the shortest replies
  • She doesn’t react to your compliments

And of course, if she tells you that she has a boyfriend, just tell her to take your approach as a compliment and move on. 

But what do you do if she freaks out at you and tells you to get lost?

Just laugh it off.

Think about it: what could you possibly do to her that would warrant such a crazy reaction? It’s her problem and your obligation to move onto a normal girl.

13. Starting a conversation with a girl at the bar

Assuming that you can tell she’s interested, here’s how you continue the conversation: make an assumption about her.

Here’s how Sebastian Harris explains it:

You have two choices. You can either assume something that you think is true, or you can assume something that is so ridiculous that it makes her laugh. Let’s say you’re talking to a girl who walks around with a backpack. “It seems like you’re a travel junkie.” What if she isn’t? It doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that this assumption invites her to talk about herself. I’ve done this millions of times and no girl ever answered with “yes” or “no”. There’s always a story that follows the initial “yes” or “no.”

I’ll quickly add in that he also has a great podcast episode all about our exact topic (below), and if you’re serious about his content and getting your dating life together, get his excellent course: The Rise of The Phoenix

Everyone loves examples, so here they are!

Example #1: The naughty conversation

If she is revealing as much cleavage as she can (as seen in the picture below), assume that she’s a professor. And then when she laughs tell her that she must be a little naughty with her students

Approaching a girl in the bar who's showing her cleavage

Example #2: You must be from Antarctica conversation

If she’s clearly Russian, be like “Oh’ you must be Mexican” - then watch her reaction followed by a good laugh.

From there you can talk about where she’s from, family, etc.

Example #3: The personality conversation

Assume something about her personality, such as “you seem like the type of girl that doesn’t care about anyone” or “damn girl, you’re really trying to seduce me” - especially good for when she’s not responding well.

Example #4: The observational conversation

Simple talk about her drink, for example:

  1. 1
    Ask her about her drink
  2. 2
    "What type of crazy straw is that?"
  3. 3
    "What happened to you that you’re drinking wine on a Saturday night!"

It can help to learn about drinks by reading The Drunken Botanist because it’ll give you more to talk about, but it’s not essential.

Example #5: The spiritual conversation

Talk about the chances of you 2 meeting like:

“What are the chances...”

“What do you mean?”

“I come all the way from California and you’re from Russia and we are both here in Romanie” 

“Yeah, wow”

“Yeah, this must have been destined, will you marry me?”

You’ll both have a great laugh after that.

Key principles:

  1. 1
    Keep the conversation playful with flirtysexual questions, NOT deep questions
  2. 2
    Try starting your conversation based on whatever going on in the bar
  3. 3
    Starting with a simple “Hi” is fine too

There’s a lot more to talking to girls, but this is not the place for that topic - however I will recommend my article 16 steps to start a conversation with a girl with examples


Got some examples of your own? Add them in the comments - I can't wait to add them into the article.

[adinserter block="4"]

14. Get her to earn a free drink

Most legitimate dating coaches will say: never buy a drink for a girl at the bar.

And they have a good reason - when you buy her a drink, you’re subconsciously telling her that:

  • You aren’t a high value man
  • You need to buy her love
  • You need to provide her for you to initiate attraction
  • You are out of her her league

So yes, avoid buying drinks - but here’s a technique from The Tao of Badass by Joshua Pellicer to get around it while still maintaining your value:

[Paraphrasing] Tell her that you will buy her a drink, but she needs to dance for you, kiss you on the cheek or say please. This makes her earn a drink and maintains your masculinity.

Admittedly, he does finish his course by saying:

[Direct quote] A badass never buys attention or time. No man should ever buy things for women – particularly drinks – in an attempt to persuade them to spend time with him. Don’t waste time with people who hang out with you because they feel obligated to, not because they actually enjoy your company.

To summarize: it’s a lot better to avoid buying drinks for girls in the first place, however there are ways of doing it without being her doormat - and yes, you should get The Tao of Badass Course by Joshua Pellicer or at least watch his Hacking Attraction Video Presentation.

15. Touch her

Let’s set things straight: you must always strategically touch girls. After all, that’s how you sexually escalate.

However, when it comes to getting girls at the bar, using the power of touch is especially crucial.


Because she’s constantly being bombarded with phone notifications, loud music and other hot guys so if you don’t get her attention, she’ll ignore you.

So how can you touch a girl at the bar without being creepy? Here are some examples:

  1. 1
    Lead her by the small of her back
  2. 2
    Dance with her
  3. 3
    Touch her arm
  4. 4
    Push and pull her in a teasing way as you flirt with her
  5. 5
    Take her by the hand when getting a drink
Get a drink while holding your girls hand

Now she should be interested which means you have 3 options: get her number, take her on a date immediately or take her home.

16. Get her number

Getting her number than moving on is best if…

  1. 1
    She has to leave
  2. 2
    You have to leave
  3. 3
    She wants to stay with her friends

Not sure how to ask a girl for her number? Read my extensive article with a bazillion examples: 9 Techniques to Ask a Girl For Her Number [With Videos And 32 Examples].

[adinserter block="2"]

17. Don’t stay stuck at the bar

If she or you don’t have to leave and she’s cool with you, DO NOT stay in the same bar. 


Because her friends are watching her and she doesn’t want to be seen as a sl*t or “too easy” to her friends.

When you move to other bars or clubs, you remove all the social pressure and increase the chances that you’ll be able to take her home.

18. Make out behind the bar

Keep your eye on the goal, you want to take her home and smash. 


OK, so you need to be constantly sexually escalating so that when it comes to nailing her, she’s not gonna be putting up much resistance.

And the easiest way to do that is have a make out session. 

I’m not gonna get into all the details as I already have an article titled How to Kiss a Girl In 17 Easy to Follow Steps, however here are a couple things to keep in mind:

  1. 1
    Lean in for a kiss by following the 90/10 rule
  2. 2
    Start by “flirting with her lips” - kissing and pulling away, kissing and pulling away
  3. 3
    Place your hands around her hips and pull her in
  4. 4
    As she gets more into it, start getting more passionate kissing - maybe even add some tongue 
  5. 5
    I advise that you place your hands around both sides of her head as this is a great way to demonstrate dominance and arouse her

And if you're a beginner kisser or this is your first time, read 11 Steps to Kiss a GIRL for The First Time With Total Confidence

19. Take her on an insta-date

After you make out with her, if she’s ready to take her home - take her home! No question.

However, if you’re still feeling resistance, take her on an insta date. 

Simply go to another bar, club or even the park. (Want more ideas? Read What to do on a First Date: 23 Creative Ideas.)

Going on an insta-date solves 2 potential problems:

  • It removes resistance so that you’ll be able to take her home that night (as mentioned)
  • It makes her more comfortable with you so that even if she’s not ready to go home with you tonight, you’ll have a much better chance tomorrow

If she goes on the date, then leaves. That’s OK. You’ll get with her tomorrow (hopefully).

However, if she’s still interested in you and you can tell that she wants to get with you tonight, keep reading!

20. Make her feel innocent

Making her feel innocent is super important because girls really, really, really don’t want to known as sl*t.

This is why girls love to play hard to get, it’s a form of ASD = Anti-St*t Defense. 

Here’s a great example from RedPillDad where a girl approached him at a bar and still put up resistance because she wanted to appear innocent:

...So everything is going well at this point and we get done with our drinks and the appetizers, so I go for the pull and say let’s grab another drink at my place. Here’s her first major stand of ASD (anti-slut defense), when she’s like: who do you think I am, I just met you, blah, blah, blah. To which I reply: I’m a good Christian boy—stop assuming I want to have sex with you (thank you Tom Torero). Then more seriously, I’m like “look, you can come over, we’ll have a drink, then you can call your Uber and go home. No big deal.”

He finally gets her to the apartment and this happens:

The next thing that happens is kind of hilarious, only because it’s happened so many times with girls I’ve banged, because right as she enters the apartment, she declares, “we’re not having sex.” Classic ASD—and I say it’s hilarious because I’ve f*cked every girl who’s said that upon entering my apartment (5 now, I think? Not every girl says it–they’re all there to get banged, but some like to make a stink about it).
To pass this sh*t test you either just ignore or disqualify (this is an example of agree and amplify, combined with a neg), “I didn’t think we were going–I have to make sure you’re normal first.” Remember, it’s not what she says, it’s what she does, so just DGAF when she says that and it’s fine. She’s there to f*ck if you don’t screw it up.

And of course, because he passed all her sh*t tests and maintained a strong frame, he f*cked her:

Once there it’s pretty straightforward: I pour some whiskey, we sit on the couch, and start making out. At first she’s a little hesitant, doesn’t want to kiss open mouth, so I put my hand on her ass and then move one to lightly cup her breast and that does the trick, suddenly she’s moaning and going nuts—then I bounce her to the bedroom for the lay. Must’ve done something right too because she delayed her flight back to Maryland to see me again before she leaves.

The lesson is clear, all girls will put up some kind of ASD to seem innocent even if they want to get with you so you need to make it seem innocent.

Need some more examples of what to tell her? Here you go!

  1. 1
    We’re just gonna get something to eat
  2. 2
    I need to feed my fish
  3. 3
    You got to see my family photos
  4. 4
    Take some examples for Sebastian Harris (below)

And let me finish off with this quote from Sebastian’s The Rise of The Phoenix - where he talks about this exact topic:

Women have been told by their moms, their dads, and movies to NOT be easy, to NOT be a slut, and to NOT bang the sh*t out of strangers. But she wants it so bad.
What can you do about that? You can give her the feeling that it just happened. Repeat the last three words in your head. It just happened. This is your goal. You have to give her the chance to say that it just happened...
...Have a look at some of the things you could say, depending on what you talked about during the date:
“You said that traveling is your biggest passion, right? I absolutely have to show you this one travel video. Come on… let’s go. It will only take five minutes.”
“We talked so much about our favorite books. I have to show you my favorite book. But I will only give it to you for exactly seven minutes. Then we’ll go somewhere else. I mean, I don’t want to reveal too much.”
“You said you love cocktails, right? Come on. I’ll make you the best cocktail in the world. I have an awesome recipe at home. But I have to warn you. You can’t stay longer than ten minutes. Work is calling.”

And that’s it, now you broke through all her resistance and you’re ready to take her home...

21. Make your way home from the bar

This depends on a couple factors:

  1. 1
    Do you have a car or motorcycle
  2. 2
    How far are you from your place
  3. 3
    Is her place much closer?

If you have a car or you live close by - great. If not, try this:

Go bar hopping, slowly making your way closer to your place and then simply invite her home and have fun!


It has taken me a couple hours to put this article together so if you’ve gained from that article and you want to show your appreciation - please share this article and add your comments below.

Besides for that, have fun!

Your friend,

Colt Smith

{"email":"Email address invalid","url":"Website address invalid","required":"Required field missing"}

About the author 

Coach Colt here, the founder of Dating Armory, your go-to source for no-nonsense, practical relationship advice. I'm a bisexual male in a same-sex open relationship and a researcher in sex, love, and relationships with 7+ years of experience. I specialize in helping both men and women navigate the crazy world of dating.

Don't miss my other guides packed with practical dating advice (no bullshit repeated Platitudes) and tons of real life examples:

My Top 57 First Date Ideas That Always Work (As a Dating Coach)

Are Coffee Dates Good? It (Kinda) Depends

17 Basic Coffee Date Tips (From a Dating Coach)

How to Get a Gay Boyfriend: 25 Tips That Work